Friday, September 21, 2007

Bumper Stickers

I know you might claim I have no room to talk regarding this subject, but I've seen a few stickers lately that have been driving me nuts for years. Now, I've suffered many a middle finger based on my stickers, particularly in the run up to the last election, so maybe I'm more qualified to discuss this than most of you.
*Sticker #1: "I'd rather be reading Jane Austin"
Really? Rather than driving around town, going on vacation, taking your kids to the beach, going to see a mid-wife after years of trying in order to find out you've finally gotten pregnant... rather than doing all these things or any number of other things you might be doing, you'd prefer to be reading fucking Sense and Sensibility? That's fucking crazy! Every time I see that sticker, I want to run the mother fucker driving it off the road. I mean, come on... Persuasion? Really? The only thing good about Persuasion is the fact that it was partially the inspiration for The French Lieutenant's Woman.
Of course, I could be misunderstanding the sticker. It's possible that it doesn't mean "rather than what I'm doing at this very second," but "rather than the book I happen to be reading this week," in which case, quit making the ridiculous bumper-clad assertions and just read fucking Emma. Or better yet, just watch the films. Other than Northanger Abbey, the films are better anyways.
*Sticker #2: "Against abortion? Don't have one!"
Come on! That's just stupid. I understand the desire to express one's right to choose, I also understand the desire to paste one's political beliefs on a bumper, but if that is the best the "Pro-Choice" folks can do, we're in trouble. Do yourself a favor & print up a sticker that says something about personal choice, about patriarchy, about the debate over when life begins, about rape, about pretty much anything other than the claim that people shouldn't voice opinions. This line of thought leads to 2 obvious problems. First off, this sticker is suggesting that people stop standing up for what they believe. Even though they may disagree, they should still be encouraged to speak up. Can you imagine a sticker claiming, "Against the war? Don't enlist!" or "Against slavery? Don't own one!" or a really topical one like "Against dog fighting? Don't train your dog to fight!" The other issue here is for you Poli/Sci folks. Suggesting that one shouldn't attempt to petition the courts to change is absurd. They've changed their minds before... they'll do it again. In fact, that might be the fear exemplified in that sticker, but the fact that the courts can reinterpret the Constitution and the fact that we can change it at all is what makes it such an important document. When the founders left room for change, they were acknowledging their own fallibility. If they assumed they wouldn't fuck up, they'd have ignored the need to amend the Constitution and probably would have made the President a life long position. Why bother w/ elections every 4 years if you never fuck up?
*Sticker #3: "Not all who wander are lost"
Yeah, yeah, yeah... so you read Tolkien... so did everyone else... other than me. Are we really supposed to be impressed by that? 3 books about a bunch of 'people" walking to a mountain? You read the books... I saw Clerks II. Go figure. Big fucking deal.
Or, you never read the book but feel that it's such a deep idea that the fact that the sticker doesn't actually mention the name of he person who wrote it doesn't matter. Which implies you don't even know who your bumper is quoting to begin w/. You fucking tool!


Ypsipearl said...

How about:

Don't like Jane Austen? Don't read it!

jason said...

How do you feel about the one that says, Unless You're A Hemmorhoid, Get Off Of My Ass?

Andre said...

Considering all the dudes who ride our ass all the tie, I'd think it's ironic if you had a sticker that said that.

jason said...

I don't get it.

Andre said...

Typo... I missed the "y" in "your"

More irony: you get it all the time.