Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Field Trip (not a soccer post)

I went to the A2 Hands On Museum w/ Solstice's class yesterday. We had a great time, but it totally wore me out. I don't know how the elementary teachers can do it day in & day out. Those kids are nuts. Of course, some of the parents are kind of nuts too. One dude, Rocket, drove me nuts the whole time. Rocket isn't his real name, but he looks like he just stepped out of Colors w/ his red dew-rag & red dollar-sign, bedazzled baseball cap (all he was missing was a "wife-beater" under a shirt w/ only the top button buttoned. It's fantastic that he is willing to volunteer, in fact, he's been @ other things too, but he is just soooo stupid. During "Slime Time" (45 minutes of nastiness when the kids got to create different types of slimy goop), the instructor asked if it was a solid, a liquid, or a gas. His response: "it's a solid & a liquid." 1st of all, we're the adults... let the kids answer. 2ndly, it's 1 or the other, come on! (As it turned out, it was a Non-Newtonian Fluid. Other examples of Non-Newtonian Fluids can be found in the Tub Girl photo & in the ever-popular video, "2 Girls and a Cup of Non-Newtonian Fluid." After "Slime Time" was over, we had a few more minutes to check stuff out & Rocket was amazed by the fact that the pins in the "Push up the pins and leave an imprint of your hand or face or whatever" thing always fell back to the same place. I asked what he meant, & he meant just what he said... "It's crazy that they always go down right next to each other." Maybe the fact that I asked makes me the real idiot here. Afterwards, we had to stand between a row of buses & a tall brick wall for about 20 minutes so Solstice's teacher & I caught a nice buzz off of the diesel exhaust before we finally boarded the bus. As Solstice & her friend Shawnte were about to sit down right by Rocket, I was able to usher them to a farther seat to avoid another Mensa meeting w/ him. Solstice had a blast, & can't wait to go back. It'd been quite a while, but I think the next Museum on our itinerary will be the Detroit Historical Museum. I just found a 2 for 1 coupon & it's burning a hole in the old proverbial pocket. Overall, Solstice's favorite part was The Bubble Thingy & Slime Time and Shawnte really like lunch.
The Bus Ride w/ Shawnte
The Bubble Thingy
The new nature room... same as the old nature room (w/o the tarantula)
Chloe administers CPR
Slime Time!!!
Fun w/ Mirrors

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Indoor Soccer Wrap-Up

My last indoor game was last night & we yet again got our asses handed to us on a silver platter (unlike my kids' game today where holding down the score was next to impossible... they won 8 or 9-2... I'm sure Solstice will blog about it today). I got there @9:40 thinking it started @ 10:00, but low & behold, it started @ 10:30 so there was a lot of sitting around. As game time rolled around, we only had 5 people so a few douchebags from another team played w/ us. And when I say "played w/ us," I mean they played amongst themselves & refused to sub out so 1 guy on my team didn't play for the last 10 minutes of the 1st half. Then, a couple minutes before 1/2 time, the ref gives the other team a free kick after my dude took 5 seconds to restart. (The rule is actually 6 seconds... no big deal, but it gets better.) W/ about 30 seconds left, the other team gets a restart after the ball went out of bounds & rather than setting it next to the boards as per the rules (w/in 2 yards of the boards to be exact), they put it in the center of the field & scored. My goalie starts going nuts about both of these restarts & the ref blatently misquotes the rules before the 1/2 time buzzer went off.During the interval, I called the 3 dudes over & lost my shit @ them: "WE APPRECIATE YOUR HELP BUT IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO PASS OR SUB OUT WE DON'T WANT YOU. YOU CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. JUST FUCK OFF. JAMES DIDN'T EVEN PLAY FOR THE LAST 10 MINUTES AND YOU 3 ARE FUCKING AROUND W/ YOUR HEADS IN YOUR FUCKING ASSES. IT'S NICE HAVING SUBS, BUT IF YOU DON'T SUB OUT, IT DOESN'T REALLY HELP. EITHER STOP BEING ASSHOLES OR PISS OFF!" This expletive laden rant went on for a good 3 minutes while the ref used the restroom. When he came back, I apologized for my goalie's anger over the calls but then asked for some clarification on the rules. He restated his incorrect understanding so my goalie showed him the High Velocity Rules Sheet @ which point he freaked the fuck out, yelling, "You want me to call things by the book? This game is over; you forfeit; you have unregistered players on the field!" He then stormed off & literally went home. (It reminded me of when Ms. Kitzman, my 11th grade Chemistry teacher left the classroom in tears & quit her job after Al DiPrima's innocuous question about bonus points.) I told him I had actually told them to leave, they were playing because we were a house-team just trying to keep the league going, & the other team was OK w/ it. He was having none of it though... he left.As it turns out, the 2nd half was actually kind of nice. W/o a ref, everyone played more calmly (a rather Marxian view of anarchy) & we added a few more minutes to the clock so as to play longer. Although I hit the post &/or bar about 10 times, I never found the back of the net & even w/o the ref or the assholes we got our asses handed to us yet again. Afterwards, I picked up a new summer job though. I talked to the guy who runs the place & think I'm going to be able to make some scratch reffing a few nights a week. The 3 douchebags were then playing in another game (& obviously not subbing out there either) so I watched for a bit & gave them shit. #12, a short prima donna who fancied himself the next Cuauhtémoc Blanco or Rafael Márquez (or Diego Maradona) was wandering around the field so I started yelling @ him to sub out or pass the ball. The his team gave up 2 quick goals so I was able to yell, "That was your fault #12. You should have had that. He was your guy! You suck! [etc, etc, etc]" Good times were had, & I've been asked to play for some other team in for the next session... I'm sure that will lead to many more bloggable situations.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Diarrhea... Cha Cha Cha

While I've certainly gotten dollars for doughnuts over the years riding the "Rip on the Tigers" train, going to some games over the last few years w/ Jean & Dan has reawakened the fan w/in, & let's face it, puttin' up 19 runs last night was pretty fuckin' impressive... I don't care who you are: that's quality stuff. The 1st game I ever went to was in 1984 against the Twins. It was a Sunday afternoon game & I went w/ my cousins & their friends. It was July 1st, & we were in town for the Wolverine Tournament, The Official State Sponsored tournament that used to be held in Livonia over the 4th of July weekend every year. It was the final game in a 4 game series, the 1st 3 had been close w/ the Tigers losing on Friday & then winning both on Saturday. As it turns out, they lost 9-0 & Gibson struck out every time he was up, but for some reason I loved him & he was my Tiger then. (In fact, to this very day, I've never been to a winning game. In 2006, Dmitri Young was my Tiger based on the fact that he always looked like he was going to kick someones ass, & based on his arrest record, hindsight suggests that was a pretty good evaluation of him. He had cool hair too. I went to 2 games last year & they lost both. You can read the reviews of the games here & here). While Gibby actually proved to be a quality player, my recent picks have been less than sensical. Of course Todd Jones is solely because he's 9/10s 'stache & you gotta support a guy willing to make that statement. "I kinda suck @ pitching, but check out the sweet inverted devil-horns on my upper lip!" I tell people he's my favorite & they look @ me as though they misunderstood what I said. No one likes Jonesie but me & Leland. After seeing 2 games in a row this week, I've decided to add a 2nd player to my list of favs. Since he is lacking the sweet facial hair, I based this 1 on his sweet name. So w/o further ado, I give you the 2008 Vision's of Ypsi Tiger: Edgar Rentería. I imagine he's Daria's fav too since he can empathize w/ the name calling.
Gibby's Rookie Card
Young's Rookie Card
Jonesie's Rookie Card
Renteria's Rookie Card

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Animated Hotties

My game Friday night didn't get over until 12:15 so by the time I was showered & ready for bed it was 1:00, but I can never get to sleep right away after a game so I ended up channel surfing & came upon Thundarr the Barbarian on Boomerang. It's a junk show from my childhood, but seeing as I couldn't sleep & seeing as I got caught up in the nostalgia of it, I watched it & realized Aiden & Solstice might dig it (Aiden does... Solstice doesn't) so I set the ol' DVR & I just finished watching 1 w/ my kids. For those of you who don't recall the show from the early '80s, it was a total Star Wars rip-off complete w/ a laser sword & Oocla the Mok... a low-rent Chewbacca the Wookiee. Along w/ Thundarr & Oocla (so named because the creators of the show were driving by the U.C.L.A film school while developing the show; they changed the 'U' to a double 'O' & his name was born), there is Princess Ariel the Sorceress. Watching it this morning, I realized that she is kind of hot which then got me wondering about "hot" animated characters & the social misfits who love them. W/ that in mind, I give you the hotties of early '80s Saturday morning cartoons (and feel free to discuss your favs in the comments section... since I didn't get any comments about the travelogs, I'm whorin' myself out here):
10) I'd wear a neckerchief for her
Some kids claimed Velma was the more desirable Scooby-girl... those people were nuts.9) A Smurf-On for Smurfette
I suppose it was her evil beginnings mixed w/ the whole exoticization of the other and her hyper-sexualized character that made boys want to Smurf her. (Although this has little to do w/ the sexiness of Smurfette, I promise an entire Smurf post will be coming soon.)8) Is that an invisible jet in your pants?
Her magic lasso had the ability to make people tell the truth, which means that she must have heard the phrase "you give me pre-pubescent wood" on a regular basis from all of her little fans back in 1981. Every single 1 of us felt the same way as Gaucho:7) A hot little Tarzan number
Rima the Jungle Girl (I refuse to make jokes about the connection between her name and anal sex. I won't do it) was part of some sort of lost tribe of white people in the Amazon Jungle. Boys around the country were rubbing off to this old Victorian dream of racial superiority.6) Just like Ginger & Mary Ann
There was an on-going argument between kids on the playground about which G.I Joe character was the hottest... Lady Jane or Scarlett. Although the leadership powers of LJ were unstoppable, Scarlett always won out simply because she seemed the trampier of the 2.5) Much hotter than Pinky, the Ghost Monster
Even the arcade game design depicted Ms Pac Man as some sort of sex kitten... I never understood why, but that curvy chick has it going on. Be sure to check out the 1st Church of Pac Man!4) That cat has a great ass!
Pumyra seemed the stronger Thundercat chick, but she was never going to out-sex Cheetara3) Sex in the 4th Millennium
Princess Ariel represented something, but I'm not sure what. Her powers were useless if her hands were bound so I imagine there is something to be said about female power, castration complex, or Doms and Subs, but I don't know what. I do know that the animators never drew the camel-toe her little outfit would necessitate.2) Hot!
Spiderman used webs & Iceman used some sort of freezing device, but their amazing friend Firestar (not to be confused w/ the DC character Starfire who looks exactly the same) just used her amazing hotness to move through the air.
1) Wonder Twin Powers Activate: Form of a Hard-on
While Wonder Woman was the work-horse of female super-heros, Jayna was the break-out masturbatory fantasy from the Super Friends... even more than Mr. Myxlplik.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

For those who can't actually afford to travel

I'm loving travelogs & have been for quite some time. I've never made a secret out of my love for Rick Steves' Travels in Europe, but anything will do as long as it provides a nice look @ the real people & not just some "Rich & Famous" bullshit. Aside from Rick Steves, who as it turns out, is a really cool guy... check out his writing and work w/ NORML, homelessness, and the anti-war effort, one of the quality travel programs over the last 10 or so years has been hosted by Michael Palin. I've seen a few of his specials on PBS & I've gotten a couple from the library. He's made some interesting connections between literature and travel on the earlier specials like Around the World in 80 Days & The Hemingway Adventure, but recently he's also done cool trips through the Himalayas and the Sahara... in which he revisits the area in Tunisia where they filmed The Life of Brian. I haven't seen the Pole to Pole special yet (it's about traveling from the N. Pole to the S. Pole... as opposed to a special about traveling w/ strippers). Even though it is relatively stripper-free, it sounds pretty good. The Travel Channel has a pretty good show too hosted by Samantha Brown... she's not bad to look @ either. Her personality is sort of like a cross between Wendy & the mom on The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Apparently, there's also some show featuring some woman from Petoskey. Her younger brother (Bing Brown... I never understood who the Hell would actually go by Bing?) played on my soccer team growing up, but I haven't seen this show... I've only heard about it from my father who is kind of a shady source for this sort of info. The other issue that problemitizes the situation is the fact that her last name is also Brown so when looking for travel show people, it's hard to wade through all of the Samantha Brown stuff. In other travel news, feel free to travel on over to the blog I set up for the kids' soccer team and then travel on out to a game and cheer them on.

Old Posts, New Posts

Before I started blogging, I thought the whole idea was stupid as Hell. 1st of all, I never thought anyone would actually look @ it... apparently I was wrong on that count though because I'm averaging 28 hit a day. I suppose I need to thank you all for taking the time out of your otherwise useful lives & actually reading my trivial bullshit. Speaking of my trivial bullshit, I was scrolling through some old posts today looking for something I never ended up finding; I did find some pretty good forgotten stuff though, like remember the time I went to the Chick Inn? Or the time I almost got the Rutherford pool to open up for late night skinny dipping? or the time Jason made fun of me in the comments section? or the time Kate Winslet (probably while being naked) scored 100% on my little quiz? Of course, there is also this action shot of my father playing Jean's wii that I'd forgotten about. There was also that time Stacey left a funny, but somewhat snide comment. That little walk down memory lane also reminded me that I haven't posted a soccer up-date in a while... not to mention I got a request for one in my e-mail today, so keeping w/ my "give the people what they want" policy (a policy evidenced by "Tubgirl"), here you go:My indoor team still sucks balls, & I'm still leading the scoring. I have 9 goals from 6 games which is more than I've scored over the last 5 years combined. It must be my peak physical conditioning.another team that seems to be sucking balls lately is Arsenal. Since February, they went from sitting top of the table in the league & looking like likely winners of every cup they were involved in to falling the 3rd place & being knocked out of every cup competition. they lost 5-1 to Tottenham in the Carling Cup, they lost 4-0 to Man U in the FA Cup & they went out of the Champions league after a 5-3 aggregate defeat to Liverpool. Granted, i will blame the ref for the Liverpool loss & Eduardo's nasty injury for their fall down the table in the league, but 5-1 & 4-0 in domestic cups is ridiculous. Don't wory though, I still have faith in next year. As of right now though, it looks like Donnie's favorite metrosexual, Cristiano Ronaldo, pictured above in tears, will lead Man U the league championship again... and maybe some silverware in Europe as well. You may remember Ronaldo as the break out star of the 2006 World Cup. He featured prominately on the old blog that summer. Well, he's definitely emerged as the greatest player in the world right now... that fucker.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Chick Inn

I've only been to the Chick Inn a couple of times, mainly because my kids never wanted to go there. I couldn't understand what they had against a drive-in restaurant, but they always seemed to think it was a bit sketchy. And admittedly, it is a bit sketchy, but that shouldn't stop people from having that very Richie Cunningham experience. What would have become of Jenny Piccolo if Ralph Malph hadn't spilled his shake on her at the drive in? Or what about the car hop on skates who dropped their burgers and ended up sucking face w/ Potsie up on Lovers Lane? That's classic Americana. I decided today that I wasn't going to ask them if they wanted to go... we just went. I got the fish dinner w/ a chocolate-peanut butter shake. The shake was absolutely delicious (though a bit filling) while the fish was shit. Stephanie got a Paul Bunyan Burger and onion rings which were damn good. In hind sight, I wish I'd gotten the deluxe grilled cheese. The kids loved their dinners which came in the cardboard 1950something Edsels that look just like this one but are small & made of cardboard (w/ fries & a grilled cheese/chicken nuggets sticking out the top. After years of resisting that place, they are now hooked. I guess it's time to download "Rock Around the Clock" so they can get the full effect. Speaking of DLing tunes for the kids, I just made a disc for Solstice of Hannah Montana tunes (also w/ an Ashley Tisdale & the Jonas Brothers tune) so then Aiden wanted one too. He didn't really know a lot of songs though, so I had to improvise. I knew he dug the "Weird" Al Star Wars songs, but then I also found a cool jazz version of the Super Mario Music and the Overture from Indiana Jones. He then asked for some Ozzy Osbourne. Apparently, one of the characters on Hannah Montana (Jackson for those of you in the know) dressed up like Ozyy on a recent episode so the kids think he ishilarious w/o really knowing who he is. I DLed "Iron Man" and "Crazy Train" & they're both lovin' them. It's pretty funny to enter the room & see my kids rocking out to Sabbath.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Stephanie's Mom

Is in surgery right now... keep her in your thoughts today.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Live, from the Planet Rock: Happy B-Day Afrika Bambaataa

When I was in high school, Yo! MTv Raps was king. I watched it religiously when I got home every day w/ my friend Marques who lived a couple houses down the street. As it turns out, MTv is currently celebrating the 20th anniversary of this oddly groundbreaking show by showing highlights and old-school videos all month long on one of the random MTv channles. Along w/ this 20th anniversary, today is also Afrika Bambaataa's b-day. A former gang member, Bambaataa converted to Islam in the late 70s & began organizing his gang in a positive direction working towards unity between the gangs & then expanding into other areas of New York Activism. At this time he also started DJing and was one of the 1st to revolutionize "Break Beat DJing" & subsequently influence Hip Hop, Techno, Electronica, House and Rock music. With this in mind, I give you the top ten videos of the Yo! MTv Raps era.
10) "Self Destruction:" Obviously influenced by Bambaataa's activism, KRS-1 brought together the biggest names in New York Hip Hop for a video to raise awarness about the horrors of street violence and "Black on Black" crime.
9)"Straight Outta Compton:" While we're on the subject of street violence, you are now about to witness the strenght of street knowledge:
8) "Mama Said Knock You Out:" LL Cool J was considered past his prime after the release of Walkin' w/ a Panther, but this song put him back on the map & began his upward tragectory, just don't call it a comeback.
7)"My Philosophy:" Boogie Down Productions was leading the postive, socially conscious rap of the late '80s & it was this song that really paved the way for everything afterwards.
6) "Beyond this World:" The Jungle Brothers are still one of my favorite rap groups. The inovative produciton value, the P-Funk samples, the live drums and the hand percussion combined w/ their political lyrics to push the Native Tounges Posse in new directions.
5) "Children's Story:" Slick Rick... Rick the Ruler... MC Ricky D complete w/ Keystone Cops imagery!!!
4) "Midnight:" Before he was on Law and Order, Ice T was kicking some of that old school "6 in the Mornin'" shit.
3) "Doowutchalike:" Before Tupac became a hip-hop icon, he was in the DU posse. Check him out along w/ Shock G and a million cameo apperances by everyone from Biz Markie to Sandra Bernhardt... I wish I could find the longer version of this, but I suppose 5 minutes is plenty.
2) "Me, Myself, & I:" Amazing production, creative sampling, bizarre lyrics... and fantastic hair... oh, and a melody track lifted from Steely Dan.
1) "Blacksteel in the Hour of Chaos:" Chuck and Flav bring real rock from the rock: an unsual musical happening in a most unusual place:

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Words of Wisdom

I understand that in the wake of Arsenal's bizarre loss to Liverpool yesterday due to that horrible penalty kick after Torres went to ground in the box w/ 6 minutes left, you might be frustrated. it is in times like these that we need to think positive and remember the words of Jerry Garcia:

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Muffin Tops

For those of you who don't know me or have never read this blog before, I need to start off by saying that I'm a pretty big fan of Seinfeld. This may come as a surprise to some you, but even 10 years after the show went off the air, I watch it all the time. I DVR it & as it turns out, it's on almost non-stop so whenever the mood strikes, it's there. Another show I DVR is Hannah Montana (learn more about Hannah @ The Hannah Zone... not to be confused w/ The Phil Zone); of course, it's not quite as high on my viewing priorities list, but the other morning, the kids were watching it & I heard the strangest commercial from the other room. At first, I thought it was a joke, but as it turns out, it was actually no laughing matter. Kellogg's has finally, after nearly 11 years of waiting, cashed in on Elaine's Muffin Tops idea. I haven't tried them yet, but they look horrible. I think they seemed to miss the boat in terms of freshness & softness. I can't prove it, but I doubt they're throwing away the stumps & w/o making them w/ the stumps, they aren't really just the tops... the top becomes the entire thing. In fact, it's always/already the entire muffin. Or, on the flip side, w/o a bottom, the top is indeterminate & always indeterminable. Which begs the question, "The top of what?" The commercial also left me wondering if Seinfeld & Larry David are getting a piece of that fat muffin top cash. Not that they really need it, but it seems like some sort of Intelectual Property violation or @ least a copyright infringemnt. Maybe I should cash in on her other ideas & start marketing bras as tops.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Time Has Come my Little Friends...

To talk of money things.

I've spent the last few years of my life scared and frustrated and I've come to the conclusion that I may need to move. I've borrowed and begged and scammed money to stay in my house a lot longer than was at all responsible. It's been a good run, but I can't fool myself any longer. I'm embarrassed and I feel kind of like a financial failure, but it is what it is. I tried to come up w/ a list of second jobs I've had over the last few years in my many failed attempts to make ends meet, but I'm certain it isn't complete:
Borders Book Seller
Clean Water Action Campuser
Loan Officer
Adjunct Faculty JCC, WCC
Photo Editor
Writing Tutor
I know there are others too, but this list also makes me think about all of the jobs that I've applied for and been turned down to my "over-qualifications." I suppose getting a smaller monthly payment will allow me to pay off some other debts, and maybe do some other things too... we'll see. I've found a relatively inexpensive 3 bedroom apartment just a few blocks East though, right by where Jean used to live, so I think I'll be able to stay in the area. I haven't said anything to my parents yet mainly because I'm pretty certain my dad is going to freak out, so keep a lid on this for a while. On a positive note, this seems like the responsible thing to do and I suppose I'll have to have one last party on Sheridan before I move on up. This decision isn't set in stone yet, and blogging about it so early in the process may not be as responsible as the decision itself, but we'll just have to see how it all goes. I had a pretty fitting picture of an overturned U-Haul to post w/ this little confessional, but the photo attacher isn't working right now which also seems kind of fitting, I suppose. Maybe in my next life I'll just get a 40$ an hour job in a factory and end up w/ a gold plated watch and my balls full of tumors, but as it stands, I'm still kind of proud of myself and my desire to keep on keeping on as a teacher. Maybe in my next life teachers will make a lot of money and this won't even be an issue... not likely though.