Four Nice, Young Boys from Liverpool

And no, I'm not talking about Everton's Reserve back line or some random group of strikers who were never given a chance @ Liverpool under Rafael Benítez. I'm talking about The Beatles. Rolling Stone just released a list of the 100 Greatest Beatles Songs of all time. It's available in a fancy oversize issue w/ little fun facts about the songs (mostly just summary of the fun facts that we all learned in the Anthology series & the fun facts we learned growing up as members of the human ace). Here's the top 20:
1. "A Day in the Life"
2. "I Want to Hold Your Hand"
3. "Strawberry Fields Forever"
4. "Yesterday"
5. "In My Life"
6. "Something"
7. "Hey Jude"
8. "Let It Be"
9. "Come Together"
10. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
11. "A Hard Day's Night"
12. "Norwegian Wood"
13. "Revolution"
14. "She Loves You"
15. "Help"
16. "I Saw Her Standing There"
17. "Ticket to Ride"
18. "Tomorrow Never Knows"
19. "Lucy in he Sky w/ Diamonds"
20. "Please Please Me"A couple of the songs seem a bit high on the list & while "She Loves You" is historically important, I don't know if it's really that great of a song. Ditto that w/ "Please Please Me." A couple months ago, RS released an updated version of their 500 Greatest Songs of all time list on which the Beatles songs are placed in a different order: "A Day in the Life" is the 6th Beatles song on that list (after "Hey Jude," "Yesterday," "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," "Let it Be," & "In My Life." This contradiction seems to be raising some eyebrows in the Beatles fan/blogging community, but we must realize they used different critics & musicians to compose the lists so they were bound to differ.My real concern isn't in the slight differences but in the glaring omissions. As if a top 100 Beatles songs list isn't stupid enough considering that they only recorded about 200 originals in total (@ least 200 released on official Beatles records). It's an obvious money grab from RS sure to be followed up w/ yet another ridiculous compilation released before X-mas. Of the glaring omissions, "It's All Too Much," "Savoy Truffle," "Cry Baby Cry," & "Revolution #9" are the most glaring in my eyes. To suggest that "I Should Have Known Better" & "Ticket to Ride" are better than "#9" & "Savoy Truffle" is just sheer folly. Here's my Top 20 Beatles Songs: 1. "A Day in the Life"
2. "Helter Skelter"
3. "Revolution #9"
4. "Across the Universe"
5. "Tomorrow Never Knows"
6. "Strawberry Fields Forever"
7. "Rain"
8. The Abby Road Medley ("You Never Give Me Your Money" through "The End")
9. "She Said, She Said"
10. "While My Guitar Gently Weeps"
11. "Day Tripper"
12. "Come Together"
13. "Here, There, and Everywhere"
14. "Gotta Get You into My Life"
15. "Savoy Truffle"
16. "It's All too Much"
17. "Glass Onion"
18. "I Wanna Hold your Hand"
19. "Lucy in the Sky w/ Diamonds"
20. "Something"I know this list is no less problematic than the RS list, but that's OK... I'm really just interested in know what y'all's list would look like. Think about it for a few minutes & then let's see your top 20 Beatles songs in the comments section! John digs a sporran

WCP #12: Domeneche is a Dumb-Ass Douche

hThey're 2 games in & sitting on 1 point. The French team has too much individual talent to be the shite-squad they have become. Raymond Domeneche has them playing like a bunch of assholes. No team w/ Anelka, Malouda, Ribery, Gourcuff, & Henry should be able to play 2 matches against seemingly lesser competition w/o scoring. Of course, Abidal's 2 howlers didn't help the situation, but the blame for this really rests w/ the coach. I've been calling for his sacking since 2006. They lost in the finals then because of his stupid mistakes. (If you recall, Zidane had dislocated his shoulder & was asking for a sub, but RD the DB took off Henry instead... Materazzi was then able to punch him in the shoulder & talk shit which led to his dismissal which led to the penalty shoot-out w/o Zidane or Henry.) I called for him to be fired after their piss-poor display @ Euro '08 & during their piss-poor displays in qualifying for WC 2010. They still have a slight chance to get through the group, but they need to win big against Algeria & Mexico needs to win big against Uruguay which won't happen because for Mexico & Uruguay to go through, they both only need a draw.

One wonders how Derrida would have reacted to this match? "This therefore will not have been a match at all, but some other de-centered thing." Jean Paul Sartre? "The match itself is a representation of the vast nothingness into which each individual has been plunged" (I think he'd be right). Luce Irigaray? "There is a masculist ideology underlying the result of the match which must be re-contextualized in order to decenter the loss & decenter the language in general." Foucualt? "The culturally constructed opposition between winning & losing will be shown to have been collapsed like the oppositions between gay & straight, sane & crazy, powerful & powerless, etc." Hélène Cixous? "The phallogocentrism represented in sport from the highest levels of FIFA to the lowliest American blogger is always being subjected & deconstructed by the Écriture féminine. Baudrillard? "The match is the similacra for the world, but the world is therefore the similacra for the match; origin & simulation are cast aside & the winners & losers therefore don't matter. Paul de Man? "I must call into question the very claim that the match ever actually took place." If it were only that simple. (And Karl Marx is arguing off-sides).

The USA plays this morning & I'll have to miss the match. I'm not pleased about that, but c'est la vie. It suddenly looks like they have a better chance to progress through the tournament than the French. I assumed they'd get out of the Group Stage, but after they're draw w/ England, they could actually finish top & avoid Germany in the Round of 16. That's pretty sweet. of course, another team worth avoiding for as long as possible looks to be Argentina. Maradona has suddenly done something right & they're clicking. Of course, this brings us to the meat & potatoes of this post. It was a tough call because Messi played really well, but it's hard to ignore a hat-trick, even when other people really made the goals, so Your Visions of Ypsi Player of the Day is Gonzalo Higuaín. Licking his lips in anticipation of their match against Greece & then theit match against whoever wins France's group

WCP #10: Vuvuzela... A Defense

Last summer during the Confederations Cup there was a lot of talk banning the Vuvuzela. People were upset by the noise & the networks showing the games claimed they interfered w/ the watchability of the matches. I assumed that once the television networks got involved they would be banned tout suite. And I was totally down w/ it. The swarm of bees sound is more than a little annoying, & it's making the singing/chanting usually associated w/ le foot impossible. Over the last few weeks, major news organizations have started beating the old drum to ban them too. Mike Celizic @ NBC has pointed out that they are dangerous. A good reason to ban automatic weapons, unfortunately, I need a little more than that when it comes to a horn. besides, where was NBC after the Hillsborough disaster? Where were they during the Munich air disaster? People have been murdered because of this game. countries have actually gone to war after soccer matches. And it is about this that people are getting all worked up? The Wall Street Journal got a few words in on Sunday too. Again w/ the health risk. As if people singing/shouting/chanting in their neighbors ears is any better.

What's really going on here is that these journalists are using the supposed health risks as a smoke screen to hide their real problems w/ the Vuvuzela. Namely, they want soccer to follow the European/S.American traditions. Celizic even went so far as to suggest that "Tradition is never a good excuse to do anything." Absolutely right. However, hiding behind this claim in order to support the cultural superiority of Europe & South America is an even more problematic tradition. He, & people like him, don't want to do away w/ noise @ the matches, they want to do away w/ non-Eurocentric noise. Sing your songs about blood, murder, rape & religious intolerance, but don't blow a fucking horn.

FIFA president, Sepp Blatter has recently come out in support of the Vuvuzela & he is absolutely correct. FIFA, & the world media, has been claiming that the World Cup will showcase African culture, yet all these groups want to ban anything associated w/ the culture that is different than what we have come to expect. The Vuvuzel goes back to the 1970s (a relatively new cultural tradition), but it's a huge tradition none-the-less. Blatter knows that this is an important part of the World Cup (maybe more important than the outcome). If the World Cup is to be this cultural exchange as it's always been billed, we need to accept the culture that is being exchanged. Otherwise, we're just being racist & zenophobic. And that's a European tradition worth dumping.
And now, your Visions of Ypsi Player of the Day. Since this is post #10, I was hoping for a good traditional #10 to have a big game yesterday. Ronaldo had a great long shot. Robinio did a little show-boating (that came to nothing). Hamsek played well but didn't really stand out. Kaka repeated his recent form for Real Madrid... he had a shite game. He was lost & cold... & went to ground much too easily (Robinio did that too). Since this was the case, I had to rethink the direction of today's award. It certainly doesn't go to the Korean left back. He was beaten over & over & over again. So w/o further ado, I give you your Visions of Ypsi Player of the Day: Brazilian right back, Maicon. Hey maicon, how do ou feel about the result yesterday? "Comme Ci, Comme Ça"

Tiny Plastic Bags

After class today, I ran into Kroger's to get eggs for the kids practice tonight. (We're going to play catch w/ them in an attempt to understand the art & science of trapping the ball because it's still bonking off their shins & going 10 feet away.) I didn't plan on getting much but then it occurred to me that I wasn't going to get another chance to grocery shop for a while so I ended up getting a bunch of stuff... like a week & a half's worth of groceries. For my regular shopping I usually go to Hiller's & I grab extra stuff when I'm @ Plum, but I absolutely hate Kroger's. They're huge w/o a great selection (other than the act that they're the only grocery store around that sells Scotch).Anyway, I end up @ the check-out w/ a cart full of shit, shit I would prefer to bag myself, but they're always so pushy that I let them do it. Of course, I told the kid, "get as much into each bag as you can... I don't want to have to carry useless bags." I know I should have brought my own bags, but I wasn't prepared for shopping after class, & @ Hiller's & Plum I prefer the paper bags because we use them for recycling. Kroger's, however, has no paper bags, just the tiny plastic ones.A 2nd bagger shows up, & the kids told her about my wishes. She seemed to understand, but as I was leaving, I realized there were a couple empty bags mixed in w/ the somewhat full ones. Empty fucking bags! Talk about being asleep @ the fucking wheel. Of course, I then noticed that some things... dish soap, bread, a can of fucking tomato paste... were all given their own bags... tomato paste. I could have slipped it in my breast pocket for Christ's sake. The bottle of Scotch wass placed in a paper wine bag & then placed in a tiny plastic bag all to itself. I'm not kidding. Before I left, I rebagged the stuff & ended up w/ 7... count them... 7 extra bags. I know they're using the tiny plastic ones in an attempt to save money, but then they're wasting so many, it can't be cost effective. The ones I got will get used for garbage bags over time (we haven't bought garbage bags in ages... I hate the idea of buying something w/ the sole intention of throwing it out. I feel the same way about toilet paper, but I have yet to find a good replacement. I've been thinking that after a nice deuce, I may just start jumping in the shower. I'll have to quantify the water usage as opposed to the paper usage & determine the +/- on the overall footprint 1st though. I'll you keep all posted on that one, but in the mean time, I'll be wading knee deep through tiny plastic bags.

Stephen Colbert Calls it like it is!

The Word - Blackwashing

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Deep in the Hell of Youth Soccer

This fall season has been 1 clusterfuck after another. We've been pushed around from 1 practice place to another a few times. I told the dude we were going to practice 1 place, he said fine & then immediately sent out an e-mail to parents saying somewhere else. They were obviously confused as Hell so I've had to sort that out multiple times. Certainly, it wasn't their fault, but I'm then caught in the middle of it all looking like a total douche nozzle. Of course, it doesn't help that the roster changes every fucking week. We started w/ practices 2 weeks ago, had a few changes for the 2nd week & then had 3 new kids this week. This seems to be a case of the parents registering their kids after the deadline, but @ this point, I wouldn't rule out the possibility of it just being a clerical mistake on the part of the Township Rec Dept. I suppose this wouldn't be as big of a deal if wee didn't keep getting new kids who had never played before. Each practice takes us back to the beginning. I'm glad they want to play, & I'm happy to help, but the other kids stand there w/ looks on their faces as if to say, "WTF? We just did all this shit last week." (That's a literal translation of their facial expressions, not a word for word transcription of their actual comments.)

In the end today, after an hour of frustration & disorganization, the parents were really understanding so @ least there was that. They could have been really angry. To top it off, I started kicking the balls as far as I could to take out a little aggression after most had left when 1 of the parents, laughing, asked if it'd been a rough practice @ which point her kid came running up telling her what a great practice it had been. It's nice to know the kids didn't pick up on my frustration; maybe they weren't upset that we'd already done that stuff twice after all.

On the other hand, we got home & Stephanie had made awesome chili. After which, while I was writing this, Isaiah was screwing w/ the computer so I tried to distract him by asking where Mace Windu was. He preceded to walk across the room & grab the Clone Wars Action Figure. The dude is 14 months old & know ace Windu? Sweet! Maybe net year we'll start him on SWTCG. I bet a gaming league would be a lot easier than youth fucking soccer.

An Hour w/ the Dregs

After a long afternoon of meetings & syllabizing, I headed out to take care of the new car paper-work. We've had the car for a week & a 1/2, but I couldn't do anything until I got a copy of the release of lien which I didn't get until last Thurs. Of course, Fri. was a furlough day so nothing could get done @ the Sec. of State. Mon. being Labor Day pushed it back again so I finally go things moving today. I went to State Farm for the insurance where they promptly bent me over & inserted the policy directly up my ass w/o passing go (they did collect their dollars though). The totally of the Escape was certainly a negative in terms of the insurance payment. From there I went to the Sec. of State. I know I complained about this a couple years ago, but for you newbies... & for you high-ons who forgot, I'm doing it again. The stench of B.O. must be embedded in the carpet in that place. The funk of 40 thousand years. (If you dig that "Thriller" reference, you'll really dig this Lego version of the "Thriller" video.) I know that place is the great equalizer, everyone has to go there, & many of those people are stinky, but is a little Carpet Fresh too much to ask? It's nasty! I just don't understand why it has to stink so badly. It's not like someone deuced behind the counter, it's just B.O., but maybe I'd prefer the deuce. Of course, w/ the 4 day weekend, the place was packed so once I got my number ("64"), I checked the number they were on ("9") & realized I was in for a long, stinky afternoon.

To kill time, I hit Fun 4 All, the comic book shop a few stores down & checked out Gotham by Gaslight... a graphic that pits batman in 19th century Gotham fighting Jack the Ripper. Strange but kind of cool. I went back & they were up to 45 so I went to Dunham's & scored a dry-erase soccer field clip board. Pretty sweet! I used it this evening... AWESOME! I wish I'd gotten 1 years ago. Afterwards I went back to the Sec. of State & still waited another 15 minutes. While waiting, I did get to see something cool. A woman who shaved (or waxed) off her eye brows & tattooed electric blue dots in their place. The blue even matched her hair. Not as awesome as the dry-erase board, but close. Anyway, my number is finally called, only to find out the release of lien was wrong & I still needed something else. It was apparently from the wrong bank. I don't know how that happened, but I guess I'm in for another stinky day tomorrow.

My Top 5 Overhyped Celebrities

I took a ridiculous quiz on Facebook last night regarding my inability to take on Chuck Norris in a street-fight which got me thinking about his odd place in American pop-culture. Why has this douche become such an icon? Brain-dead right wing propaganda + shitty acting ability = cool? I think not. And I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight. In fact, even if we threw in Jack LaLanne & Johnny Weissmuller & turned it into a steel cage match, I'm pretty sure Norris would break a hip before I broke a sweat. Weissmuller would probably come in 2nd (& he's been dead for 25 years). I don't imagine the kids who are loving him have ever even seen a Chuck Norris movie... & why would they? I tried to watch Missing in Action 2 for a paper hen I was in Grad School & finally just changed the paper topic. Or perhaps they were lovin' Walker, Texas Ranger... I doubt it though; it was a really bad show.

Another celebrity who deserves none of the love he gets is Keef. Through the mid-60s he was probably cool, & between Beggar's Banquet & Exile he may have been one of the coolest people on the face of the Earth, but what has he done for me lately? Nothing! A drunk fashion designer banking on his out-dated image for 30 years? No thanks. The X-pensive Winos were alright... in the same vein as The Juju Hounds, but the love he gets is certainly unequal to the love he deserves.

From the guy who played Jack Sparrow's father, we go next tot the guy who played Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp is a bit of a 1-trick pony (& I should know... we can smell our own). Runny the gambit from A to A, he's been banking on Edward Scissorhands since Edward Scissorhands came out. I admit that I dig pirate movies as much as (& probably more than) the next guy, Willy Wonka, Sweeny Todd, John Wilmont, Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter... how many times can he play the same roll... he's akin to Shatner w/o the irony. It must be said that the Don Quixote & Lone Ranger films in production could be pretty cool... & I'm sure I'll have to see Pirates 4. He's also listed as being in some forthcoming Happy Days film. I'm sure he'll be playing Fonzie, but @ his age, Mr C would be more apropos. It'd be nice to see him push himself & go for Potzie... or maybe Jennifer Piccolo.

From Jack Sparrow, we move to Jack White. I know it's a local boy makes good story (not unlike Ted Nugent & Bob Seger), but like Nugent & Seeger, White is highly untalented. He seems to be a sort of low-rent Ryan Adams. I imagine White could take RA in a boxing ring, but I bet Adams is scrappier 7 wold kick his ass in a back alley.

Finally, we have a character who seems to have jumped right off the pages of a Hanif Kureishi novel. I have no problem w/ Buddhism nor w/ the teaching of peace & love, but when a dude uses this as a way to build some sort of financial empire based on selling the same book to 40-something bourgeois American women over & over (simply repackaged under different titles) so they can claim to be @ 1 w/ the universe while driving their ridiculous kids around in their ridiculous cars in order to get their ridiclous pets groomed quickly before their ridiculous coffee gets cold & they need to get back to their ridiculous McMansions. I really don't like Thich Nhat Hanh.

Honorable Mention:
Tom Robbins
Scarlett Johanson
Christopher Walken
Penelope Cruz
JK Rowlings
Ira Glass
Jack Black

Quantum of Solace???

This Friday marks the release of the 22nd EON Bond film, & those of you who read this regularly know I'm some-what of a James Bond enthusiast. Though I've only seen 5 of the films in the theater (A View to a Kill @ Fairlane Towncenter in Dearborne w/ my soccer team, The Living Daylights @ the now defunct Gaslight Cinema in Petoskey w/ my friend Brad, Goldeneye @ Showcase Ann Arbor w/ Stephanie, The World is Not Enough @ the Goodrich Quality 16 in Ann Arbor w/ Stephanie & Casino Royale @ the Showcase Ann Arbor w/ Jean), I've made a habit out of watching them on TV since I saw For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, & Never Say Never Again @ the Rossis' house in the early '80s. The fact that there are 21 of these films (plus Never Say Never Again which isn't included in the official Bond canon), averaging about 2 hours each, & that I've seen them an average of 5.318181 times (I did the math to the best of my ability which is hampered by the fact that I'm guessing how many times I've seen each film... 8 for Dr. No, 2 for License to Kill... it might not be exact but it is close enough), suggests that I've spent 234 hours watching James Bond films which comes to 9.75 days of my life. This seems like a lot, but considering the fact that I've been alive for roughly 294,768 hours, 234 isn't really that much. Besides, I'm absolutely certain that there are many people out there who have spent a greater percentage of their lives watching Bond films, not to mention the people out there who have spent many more total hours watching them.

Although the film was released in the UK last month, it isn't out here yet so I obviously can't review it yet. Having spent so much time watching the others, I feel that I can make a basic preliminary observation though. The title sucks! Apparently, Daniel Craig came up w/ it in an attempt to avoid the hacky titles that deal w/ death & blood. Furthermore, it's taken from a Flemming short story about Bond @ a dinner party which apparently contains no action. It's more of a tribute to W. Summerset Maugham w/ the focus on irony & character development... not Bond's mind you, the character development of 2 people w/ whom Bond never actually speaks. Supposedly, the film has absolutely nothing to do w/ the story which means they could have come up w/ a better title & no one would have been the wiser. It sounds like they pulled random words out of a hat (incidentally, this is also how George Lucas came up w/ the prequal titles). Of all the ways they come up w/ Bond titles, this has to be the worst system. And as best as I can figure there are ways it's been done
1) Name of bad guy = name of film (Dr. No, Goldfinger, etc)
2) Random message in the film (From Russia w/ Love, For Your Eyes Only, etc)
3) Name of evil plan (Thunderball, Moonraker, etc)
4) Random line in the film (You Only Live Twice, Live and Let Die, etc)
5) Random secret agent lingo (On Her Majesty's Secret Service, Licence to Kill, etc)
5.1) Occasionally, there is also a secondary consideration in the naming, specifically, it makes a cool song title ("Live and let Die," "A View to a Kill," etc)Unveiling a brand new naming system 46 years into the series just doesn't seem right. I'm sure I'm going to love this film as much as I love the rest, & probably more than I love most of them, but it's hard to really embrace a film w/ such a shit name. I'm sure this is the reason films like Manos: The Hands of Fate & Mitchell never really took off. The again, Forrest Gump was huge so I guess you never know.

Who are the Douchebags in Your Neighborhood?

When we first moved into our house, 6 years ago, we had a douchebag across the street who was selling crack out of his front window. The house is divided into apartments, & I think he only had a couple rooms in the front of the house. He would sit by the window & other douchebags would go up to him like he was running a drive-thru window @ White Castle. After a few months of yelling @ him, he was finally evicted (we didn't have anything to do w/ that, btw). Since then we've had 5 years of relative peace & quite, but yesterday I had a run-in w/ the new douchebag in that apartment. (It's quite possibly cursed.) The kids had a half day & Aiden had his 2 buddies over when I got home. They were tearing around the house playing Indiana Jones. Solstice was reading or knitting or playing quietly w/ her dolls... (or something equally pure & good), & Stephanie was sitting @ the computer. I looked outside & this asshat is tearing up huge loaves of bread & throwing the chunks into the middle of the road. He seemed to have an entire plastic grocery bag full of stale bread. At this point, I stepped onto he porch & said, "HEY!" Of course, he didn't respond & just kept throwing chunks into the road. "HEY!!!" No response. He kept throwing bread. At this point, he then tore the plastic bag into 4 pieces & proceeded to violently (which was a weird thing to witness) throw the peices of the bag into the road. Until this point, I kind of figured he was trying to bait birds or squirrels into the road to get them killed, but the bag really threw me a curve. "HEYYY... What the HELL are you doing???" He finally heard me as he looked up all sheepishly & said "I'm feeding the birds." WTF? I then asked what was up w/ the bag, to which he responded by apologizing for littering by saying, "Oh, ummm, sorry about littering." I asked if he was sorry he did it or just sorry he was seen being such a douche. I questioned him about the logic behind feeding the birds in the middle of the road too. He said that he figured they'd get out of the way when a car comes. "Probably," I said, "but what about the squirrel body count that gonna start racking up here?" No answer.... He also didn't think about the fact that the cars were going to destroy the bread chunks & that as the crums mixed w/ the rain we'd be left w/ a street full of mush. To his credit, he suggested that any mess would be cleaned up by the street sweeper; unfortunately, I don't remember the last time a street sweeper came down our road. In the end, the mush factor seems to have trumped the squirrel factor so @ least we don't have a view of carnage & destruction from the front door. (After all of this went down, I watched the US beat Poland 3-0 which adds a little strength to my claims about perogies & soccer.) Feel free to leave douchebag neighbor stories in the comments section & maybe someday I'll tell you all about the douchebags next door who left bleach sitting open until their daughter drank it a couple years ago.

It goes up and down

The elevators in Pray Harrold have been the subject of many a conversation for longer than I've been working here; however, today I witnessed something that demands attention. Before I get to that though, I want to explain the basic Visions of Ypsi Elevator Etiquette:*
1) Taking the elevator up less than 3 stories is forbidden**
2) Taking the elevator down is forbidden**
3) Forcing the door open when it's nearly shut is forbidden
4) Trying to get into the elevator before the people inside have gotten off is forbidden
5) Riders must be mindful of personal space
6) Riders should be aware that their backpacks/book carrying devices take up a lot of space & should not impede the doors' ability to shut
7) Cell phone use is forbidden... there is no connectivity so stop trying
8) Attention whores need to shut the fuck up
9) Farting/burping/etc is forbidden for obvious reasons
10) Standing in the elevator w/ the door open while finishing a conversation is forbidden

* These rules apply only in Pray Harrold. Not all elevator systems are the same so one can't expect people to abide by the same rules in all elevators
**Rules 1 & 2 do not apply to people who are pregnant, elderly, obese, or handicapped or people w/ little kids in tow Of course, no one is perfect & even I have been known to break these rules on occasion, but today I was party to a woman who broke 5 @ 1 time. I was on my way up to the 6th floor as the doors we shutting when she shoved her hand into the 4 inches of clearance between them [rule 3]. The doors reopened & she got in & proceeded to stand right next to me [rule 5]. We were the only 2 people in the car. She blabbed on about how late she was & "isn't it cold outside this week" & "this bookbag is soooo heavy" & "my classes are driving me crazy." This all happened w/in the course of a ride up 2 stories. The conversation would be fine if we knew each other or if it was some sort of flirtatious thing, but I really think she assumed I actually cared about her troubles [rule 8]. (And no, the irony of the fact that I'm whining on here for all of you isn't lost on me.) Obviously, the conversation started before she was actually all the way into the car so it held up the lift that much longer [rules 6 & 10].

It was @ this point that she then did the unthinkable. She shouted out the floor number she needed as if I was some sort of elevator operator from a Bogart film. Standing right next to me & unimpeded by anyone else on the elevator... FIVE! I turned & stared @ her w/out moving to the button until she finally pushed it herself. She didn't ask me to do it; she demanded I do it. She didn't even say "5 please." At least she was going up 4 stories & didn't also break rule 1. If you can think of other rules that should be added to the list, feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Coasters and Kiddie Porn

Since Solstice caught the High School Musical bug last summer, I've been hearing about Vanessa Hudgens, Zack Efron, Corbin Bleu, Ashley Tisdale, and the rest of the cast non-stop. She's obsessed, & while it's pretty cute watching her sing & dance around the house, the whole photo scandal thing has left her rather confused. Since she's asked me about it every couple couple weeks since it surfaced last fall, I finally decided I should take a look @ the pictures (the censored, un-naked underage versions) to see what all the fuss is about. Before we talk about it though, I want to talk about Annette Funicello. While she was under contract w/ Disney in the 1960s, she was sub-contracted out to American International to make a bunch of beach party movies: Beach Party, Beach Blanket Bingo, Muscle Beach Party & even Bikini Beach, How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, & Dr. Goldfoot & the Bikini Machine (my favorite of them all, yet it isn't considered 1 of the official 5 American International Beach Party films). Anyway, in order to make these films (including the 3 w/ "bikini" in the titles), her contract stated she could never appear in a bikini in order to maintain her pure Disney image. Now, obviously, Hudgens didn't up-load the pics on purpose, but the fact that Disney has been so willing to forgive & forget is interesting none-the-less.After looking @ the Hudgens photo, 2 thoughts (well, 2 that I'm gonna discuss) arose.
1) She just signed an endorsement deal w/ Neutrogena, so in a sense, this could really just be good marketing. Her skin looks fantastic & we're seeing a lot of it w/o the benefit of airbrushing.
2) She should have signed a deal w/ Dannon, but more importanly, she should have a coaster under that h2o bottle. It's sitting on a rather nice looking dresser, but you just know it's gonna leave a ring on the wood. That really gets my goat. After seeing High School musical 1 & 2, I assumed she was a responsible young adult, but then this happens. I'm sure she was raised to use coasters. I would love the chance to ask her if her mother raised her to be a savage like that or if she came to that on her own accord. She's gonna have to get the dresser refinished which will be both time consuming & expensive. I mean, we're trying to live in a society here & one of the basic rules is "use a fucking coaster"!

Road Trip Part II: Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay

Upon arrival at the hotel in Cleveland, we registered and then went almost immediately to a panel discussion featuring 4 of my colleagues from EMU (Marty, Christine, Craig, & Joe). They were all fantastic & impressed everyone who was in attendance. Afterwards, while looking through the program, Christine came upon a group beginning a few minutes later which featured a paper called "The Fiction and Reality of Trolls in Medieval Icelandic Sagas." We all collectively wondered, "The reality of trolls? Is this dude gonna claim trolls are real?" Marty then said they were going to the Hall of Fame and wondered if I wanted to tag along, but int he interest of saving cash & seeing some more presentations, I declined. Christine (whom I think may have been punking us) then suggested we check out the troll guy & tell her how it went. SPOILER ALERT: IT SUCKED! The panel had something to do w/ The Real and the Sur-Real in the Middle Ages. The 1st speaker summarized Hamlet, Oedipus & "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" for 15 minutes before coming to his point which was basically that they are all caught between rocks & hard places... no shit. He was wearing a tweed coat, talking like Shatner, checking his pocket watch at obviously staged moments & being an all around ass-hat. Troll dude spoke second. His concern was two-fold.
A) What are the rules trolls follow throughout the multiple sagas?
B) Does the fact that they all conform to basically the same rules suggest that people in Medieval Iceland actually believed in trolls & can we tell for sure by looking @ the texts?
This guy explained the rules they follow... a. trolls live in rocky areas, b. trolls are larger than humans, & c. trolls either help, hurt, or have sex w/ humans. He followed this up w/ an aside: "Troll sexuality... there, I said it." As if it was too shocking to discuss. I have to admit, I wasn't expecting such shit. It's the MLA for Christ's sake! It's a really prestigious literary organization. Which back door these dip-shits snuck through, I don't know, but it should have been looked. He goes on to summarize troll sagas for the next 10 minutes before coming to his conclusion: "Although they probably didn't believe in trolls, we can't tell for sure what they believed solely based on the literature." He then ended w/ what could only be described as a punch-line: "100s of Millions of people around the world base their beliefs on the writings of a single book, so it's possible that they did believe." A 15 minute set-up to make fun of religious people? Come on. During the Q&A session, another douchebag reared his ugly head. A guy behind Emily & me said, "I understand your point, but I think you're misleading people about trolls." They proceeded to argue about where trolls live like 2 D&D high-schoolers arguing about the powers of their characters. Afterwards, we were too late for the next panel, 1 that was probably really interesting about representations of Gay Culture in film, so we decided to get some food & then go to the free wine hour. Jenny & I went outside for a moment only to return to Emily freaking out over Kristen & Patrick's "Cyclopsing." This is where they put their noses together so as to appear to have only one eye, at which point they then sing "I Only Have Eye for You." It was something to behold. (I want to say, I'm not relating this syrupy, lovey-dovey stuff to make fun, but to relate the trip as I saw it. I'm happy for them & their ability to act that way. Maybe some day, in some fucked up alternate universe, I too will be able to act like that.) After a slice @ Sparro, we went for the free wine. Believe it or not, we drank a lot of it. There was a cash bar, & the bartender was surprised that people were only drinking the wine. It was FREE! Who is spending 5 bucks on a crappy class of Scotch when the crappy Merlot is free? While sitting there, a set of twin sisters, 6'8 & 350-400 pounds came in & I leaned to Jenny (I thought everyone else would be too justifiably offended) to suggest that trolls may in fact exist. This, of course, resulted in me getting punched for being an asshole. W/ a belly full of wine (Patrick drank Coke because he was driving) we set off for home, but before we even got on I 90, Jenny mentioned The Soup & the segment about "Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay." We found it possible to then talk about Oprah's pussy for the next 2 1/2 hours. So in the end, maybe the troll guy wasn't the only one to get more than his fair share of mileage out of a rather stupid idea.

EMU Huron Pride

In a misguided attempt to reach out to the Huron Restoration Committee, EMU formed the Huron Welcoming Committee this year. Rather than explaining yet again why the name was changed 16 years ago, this committee has completely overlooked any discussions about the racial issues involved and offered all alumni and alumnae discounted football tickets this fall if they show up wearing "EMU Huron" t-shirts. Here is the "full" story from the Exemplar. While this pisses me off, I supoose it could be argued that the Hurons (or Wyandotte, considdering that "Huron" comes from the French for "ruffian") will never be able to complain since they're all dead. But that is part of the problem: they aren't all dead. I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but the use of Native American names for things like sports teams freezes our image of Native People in the past as if they were all "noble savages" & brave warriors, when in fact, they still exsist today as teachers, ministers, auto-workers, @ C.E.O.s. Here is a copy of the letter I sent to Ted Coutilish (ted.coutilish@emich.edu); I suggest y'all write to him as well.

As a Lecturer in the Department of English Language and Literature, it was brought to my attention this week that the University is offering a discount on football tickets to those wearing "EMU Huron" T-Shirts this fall. I understand the desire to reach out to alumni and alumnae who have connections with the University dating back at least 16 years. However, when we consider the struggle the University went through to change the name and the struggle other schools around the country are still going through, it would be wise to look into other ways to honor their legacy with EMU. The overt racism inherent in the Huron name should not be forgotten. As soon as we begin to overlook the damage that has been done in the past, we open the door to its recurrence in the future.

While working with representatives of the Huron Restoration Alumni Chapter, we should focus on this simple fact. By "honoring" the legacy of the "Huron" name, we are in turn honoring the legacy of what it implies: imperialism and stereotyping. Rather than offering discounted tickets, we could offer a discount on Eagle memorabilia for those who turn in their old, racially problematic T-Shirts. We need to work with the alumnae and alumni to educate people about this problem rather than simply looking at it as an issue of heritage and school pride. When we consider that Ypsilanti High School just dealt with this very same issue last year, ignoring it at EMU shows a lack of compassion and a simple ignorance to the racial issues both in our country as a whole and in this very community. I know that was never your idea, nor would I ever accuse you of any mean-spirited motives in this discount plan, but reaching out to the Huron Restoration Alumni Chapter and the fight against racism and prejudice on campus don't need to be mutually exclusive.

Bumper Stickers

I know you might claim I have no room to talk regarding this subject, but I've seen a few stickers lately that have been driving me nuts for years. Now, I've suffered many a middle finger based on my stickers, particularly in the run up to the last election, so maybe I'm more qualified to discuss this than most of you.
*Sticker #1: "I'd rather be reading Jane Austin"
Really? Rather than driving around town, going on vacation, taking your kids to the beach, going to see a mid-wife after years of trying in order to find out you've finally gotten pregnant... rather than doing all these things or any number of other things you might be doing, you'd prefer to be reading fucking Sense and Sensibility? That's fucking crazy! Every time I see that sticker, I want to run the mother fucker driving it off the road. I mean, come on... Persuasion? Really? The only thing good about Persuasion is the fact that it was partially the inspiration for The French Lieutenant's Woman.
Of course, I could be misunderstanding the sticker. It's possible that it doesn't mean "rather than what I'm doing at this very second," but "rather than the book I happen to be reading this week," in which case, quit making the ridiculous bumper-clad assertions and just read fucking Emma. Or better yet, just watch the films. Other than Northanger Abbey, the films are better anyways.
*Sticker #2: "Against abortion? Don't have one!"
Come on! That's just stupid. I understand the desire to express one's right to choose, I also understand the desire to paste one's political beliefs on a bumper, but if that is the best the "Pro-Choice" folks can do, we're in trouble. Do yourself a favor & print up a sticker that says something about personal choice, about patriarchy, about the debate over when life begins, about rape, about pretty much anything other than the claim that people shouldn't voice opinions. This line of thought leads to 2 obvious problems. First off, this sticker is suggesting that people stop standing up for what they believe. Even though they may disagree, they should still be encouraged to speak up. Can you imagine a sticker claiming, "Against the war? Don't enlist!" or "Against slavery? Don't own one!" or a really topical one like "Against dog fighting? Don't train your dog to fight!" The other issue here is for you Poli/Sci folks. Suggesting that one shouldn't attempt to petition the courts to change is absurd. They've changed their minds before... they'll do it again. In fact, that might be the fear exemplified in that sticker, but the fact that the courts can reinterpret the Constitution and the fact that we can change it at all is what makes it such an important document. When the founders left room for change, they were acknowledging their own fallibility. If they assumed they wouldn't fuck up, they'd have ignored the need to amend the Constitution and probably would have made the President a life long position. Why bother w/ elections every 4 years if you never fuck up?
*Sticker #3: "Not all who wander are lost"
Yeah, yeah, yeah... so you read Tolkien... so did everyone else... other than me. Are we really supposed to be impressed by that? 3 books about a bunch of 'people" walking to a mountain? You read the books... I saw Clerks II. Go figure. Big fucking deal.
Or, you never read the book but feel that it's such a deep idea that the fact that the sticker doesn't actually mention the name of he person who wrote it doesn't matter. Which implies you don't even know who your bumper is quoting to begin w/. You fucking tool!