I had to go to the Secretary of State's office yesterday to get my fancy new white licence plate & renew my driver's licence. My kids were pissed off that we had to wait for so long, but it was a good lesson in patience. It was also a good lesson in human body odor. I swear, every time I go there I feel I should have wallowed in pig shit first so I won't stand out as the only non-ass smelling person there. It's as though every mother fucker in there has run 5 miles after taking a shit & refusing to wipe. I understand that there is a broad cross-section of the population there because it's an obligation everyone who owns a car has to endure, but why is the cross-section of the population so fucking stinky? It's not the first time I've noticed this either; in fact, it's gotten to the point where I feel I need to take a deep breath & hold it when I walk in there to avoid the reeking filth as long as I can. At some point, I start to turn blue though, & the 45 minute wait is 43 minutes longer than I can hold my breath. Even
Yorgos Haggi Statti would suffer in this place. I started to wonder if it wasn't the people but rather the actual office that stinks, kinda like Seinfeld's car in that episode about BO, but that just doesn't seem logical. If it's the office itself, one would think those poor state employees would do something about it like a deep steam cleaning. Once the old odor adaptation occurred it was finally my turn at the counter. I had to take the quick eye test before renewing the licence & for the first time, I had to do it w/ my glasses on. I'd never been unable to read the first line w/o them before. I guess that's something that just comes w/ age though, & as I'm starting to get up there I should start expecting these things more often. Maybe next time I need a new licence I'll have to remove my toupee for the photo or shine up my glass eye & polish my prosthetics.
Today, I had to go to
Jo-Ann Fabrics and Crafts to get a needle & thread in order to mend some buttons. I'd never bought a needle or thread before, but those of you who have been paying attention over the last couple years will remember that I'm no stranger to Jo-Ann's. I worked @ the one in Canton my 1st couple years of college. In fact, it was a scheduling conflict there that lead to my 1st ever firing when the good people at Little Ceasar's suddenly refused to honor my schedule & demand that I work while I was also supposed to be working @ the fabric store. Of course, this was by no means my last firing as I was later "let go" from a steel plant in South Lyon after complaining to the owner about my boss who had called me a "Nigger lover." Why I was the one punished in that situation, I have no idea, but I suppose
racism may be par-for-the-course in South Lyon and my complaint may have been expressing the minority view out there. While we're on the topic of this odd digression, check out
this little number featuring Richard Pryor & Chevy Chase. Anyway, back to the Jo-Ann Fabrics story. I walk in there this afternoon and people stare d at me as though I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. "A man in this store? And he's actually buying something???" Now I know how women feel when people are surprised that they know how to read & vote. As if I'm the first single guy to have lost a button. Admittedly, my 1st thought was just to buy new shorts, but I decided against that option. I even bought a pin cushion so I won't need to get new needles every time this issue comes up.
I had to go to the Secretary of State's office yesterday to get my fancy new white licence plate & renew my driver's licence. My kids were pissed off that we had to wait for so long, but it was a good lesson in patience. It was also a good lesson in human body odor. I swear, every time I go there I feel I should have wallowed in pig shit first so I won't stand out as the only non-ass smelling person there. It's as though every mother fucker in there has run 5 miles after taking a shit & refusing to wipe. I understand that there is a broad cross-section of the population there because it's an obligation everyone who owns a car has to endure, but why is the cross-section of the population so fucking stinky? It's not the first time I've noticed this either; in fact, it's gotten to the point where I feel I need to take a deep breath & hold it when I walk in there to avoid the reeking filth as long as I can. At some point, I start to turn blue though, & the 45 minute wait is 43 minutes longer than I can hold my breath. Even Yorgos Haggi Statti would suffer in this place. I started to wonder if it wasn't the people but rather the actual office that stinks, kinda like Seinfeld's car in that episode about BO, but that just doesn't seem logical. If it's the office itself, one would think those poor state employees would do something about it like a deep steam cleaning. Once the old odor adaptation occurred it was finally my turn at the counter. I had to take the quick eye test before renewing the licence & for the first time, I had to do it w/ my glasses on. I'd never been unable to read the first line w/o them before. I guess that's something that just comes w/ age though, & as I'm starting to get up there I should start expecting these things more often. Maybe next time I need a new licence I'll have to remove my toupee for the photo or shine up my glass eye & polish my prosthetics.
Today, I had to go to Jo-Ann Fabrics and Crafts to get a needle & thread in order to mend some buttons. I'd never bought a needle or thread before, but those of you who have been paying attention over the last couple years will remember that I'm no stranger to Jo-Ann's. I worked @ the one in Canton my 1st couple years of college. In fact, it was a scheduling conflict there that lead to my 1st ever firing when the good people at Little Ceasar's suddenly refused to honor my schedule & demand that I work while I was also supposed to be working @ the fabric store. Of course, this was by no means my last firing as I was later "let go" from a steel plant in South Lyon after complaining to the owner about my boss who had called me a "Nigger lover." Why I was the one punished in that situation, I have no idea, but I suppose racism may be par-for-the-course in South Lyon and my complaint may have been expressing the minority view out there. While we're on the topic of this odd digression, check out this little number featuring Richard Pryor & Chevy Chase. Anyway, back to the Jo-Ann Fabrics story. I walk in there this afternoon and people stare d at me as though I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. "A man in this store? And he's actually buying something???" Now I know how women feel when people are surprised that they know how to read & vote. As if I'm the first single guy to have lost a button. Admittedly, my 1st thought was just to buy new shorts, but I decided against that option. I even bought a pin cushion so I won't need to get new needles every time this issue comes up.
2 comments:
I have some repairs to do myself, and I just bought a sewing kit that had a shitload of stuff in it for $6 at Target. I know you're more at home there.
You actually had to go to the Secretary of State to renew your license? I've been doing it by mail for the last 10 years. Remind me to tell you the horror story of getting my Maryland license and tags changed over. It took 2 months, 5 trips to the DMV, and a several hour wait each time I was there. Then I'm pretty sure I caught a disease through the phone when I called the Secretary of State office in Michigan. The lady on the phone answered the phone by coughing loudly and at length and could hardly get a word out without starting another fit.
And you're not the first single guy to lose a button, you're just the first to actually give a shit. I usually find a way to ghetto rig my pants, wearing a belt usually takes care of needing a button, safety pins work too, or you just get a woman to do it.
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