Thursday, March 27, 2008
Who are the Douchebags in Your Neighborhood?
When we first moved into our house, 6 years ago, we had a douchebag across the street who was selling crack out of his front window. The house is divided into apartments, & I think he only had a couple rooms in the front of the house. He would sit by the window & other douchebags would go up to him like he was running a drive-thru window @ White Castle. After a few months of yelling @ him, he was finally evicted (we didn't have anything to do w/ that, btw). Since then we've had 5 years of relative peace & quite, but yesterday I had a run-in w/ the new douchebag in that apartment. (It's quite possibly cursed.) The kids had a half day & Aiden had his 2 buddies over when I got home. They were tearing around the house playing Indiana Jones. Solstice was reading or knitting or playing quietly w/ her dolls... (or something equally pure & good), & Stephanie was sitting @ the computer. I looked outside & this asshat is tearing up huge loaves of bread & throwing the chunks into the middle of the road. He seemed to have an entire plastic grocery bag full of stale bread. At this point, I stepped onto he porch & said, "HEY!" Of course, he didn't respond & just kept throwing chunks into the road. "HEY!!!" No response. He kept throwing bread. At this point, he then tore the plastic bag into 4 pieces & proceeded to violently (which was a weird thing to witness) throw the peices of the bag into the road. Until this point, I kind of figured he was trying to bait birds or squirrels into the road to get them killed, but the bag really threw me a curve. "HEYYY... What the HELL are you doing???" He finally heard me as he looked up all sheepishly & said "I'm feeding the birds." WTF? I then asked what was up w/ the bag, to which he responded by apologizing for littering by saying, "Oh, ummm, sorry about littering." I asked if he was sorry he did it or just sorry he was seen being such a douche. I questioned him about the logic behind feeding the birds in the middle of the road too. He said that he figured they'd get out of the way when a car comes. "Probably," I said, "but what about the squirrel body count that gonna start racking up here?" No answer.... He also didn't think about the fact that the cars were going to destroy the bread chunks & that as the crums mixed w/ the rain we'd be left w/ a street full of mush. To his credit, he suggested that any mess would be cleaned up by the street sweeper; unfortunately, I don't remember the last time a street sweeper came down our road. In the end, the mush factor seems to have trumped the squirrel factor so @ least we don't have a view of carnage & destruction from the front door. (After all of this went down, I watched the US beat Poland 3-0 which adds a little strength to my claims about perogies & soccer.) Feel free to leave douchebag neighbor stories in the comments section & maybe someday I'll tell you all about the douchebags next door who left bleach sitting open until their daughter drank it a couple years ago.