Thursday, March 27, 2008

Who are the Douchebags in Your Neighborhood?

When we first moved into our house, 6 years ago, we had a douchebag across the street who was selling crack out of his front window. The house is divided into apartments, & I think he only had a couple rooms in the front of the house. He would sit by the window & other douchebags would go up to him like he was running a drive-thru window @ White Castle. After a few months of yelling @ him, he was finally evicted (we didn't have anything to do w/ that, btw). Since then we've had 5 years of relative peace & quite, but yesterday I had a run-in w/ the new douchebag in that apartment. (It's quite possibly cursed.) The kids had a half day & Aiden had his 2 buddies over when I got home. They were tearing around the house playing Indiana Jones. Solstice was reading or knitting or playing quietly w/ her dolls... (or something equally pure & good), & Stephanie was sitting @ the computer. I looked outside & this asshat is tearing up huge loaves of bread & throwing the chunks into the middle of the road. He seemed to have an entire plastic grocery bag full of stale bread. At this point, I stepped onto he porch & said, "HEY!" Of course, he didn't respond & just kept throwing chunks into the road. "HEY!!!" No response. He kept throwing bread. At this point, he then tore the plastic bag into 4 pieces & proceeded to violently (which was a weird thing to witness) throw the peices of the bag into the road. Until this point, I kind of figured he was trying to bait birds or squirrels into the road to get them killed, but the bag really threw me a curve. "HEYYY... What the HELL are you doing???" He finally heard me as he looked up all sheepishly & said "I'm feeding the birds." WTF? I then asked what was up w/ the bag, to which he responded by apologizing for littering by saying, "Oh, ummm, sorry about littering." I asked if he was sorry he did it or just sorry he was seen being such a douche. I questioned him about the logic behind feeding the birds in the middle of the road too. He said that he figured they'd get out of the way when a car comes. "Probably," I said, "but what about the squirrel body count that gonna start racking up here?" No answer.... He also didn't think about the fact that the cars were going to destroy the bread chunks & that as the crums mixed w/ the rain we'd be left w/ a street full of mush. To his credit, he suggested that any mess would be cleaned up by the street sweeper; unfortunately, I don't remember the last time a street sweeper came down our road. In the end, the mush factor seems to have trumped the squirrel factor so @ least we don't have a view of carnage & destruction from the front door. (After all of this went down, I watched the US beat Poland 3-0 which adds a little strength to my claims about perogies & soccer.) Feel free to leave douchebag neighbor stories in the comments section & maybe someday I'll tell you all about the douchebags next door who left bleach sitting open until their daughter drank it a couple years ago.

12 comments:

Stephanie said...

I try to forget about the bleach incident... that was so scary.

Did you see there is still a loaf in the tree in his yard? What a nub.

Daye said...

okay--I knew the people who lived in that house when Zoli was a baby--and dude the toothbrush story is JUST NASTY--one of their "friends" put their toothbrushes up their butts--took a picture--developed the film and mailed the pics (yeah this was a while ago yeah--developed the film) back to them days later. PLUS! that woman gave her baby cough medicine so she could be assured of a naptime!! arrrgh!

I think that house is cursed

Tierra the earth mama said...

wow. that really sucks to have such weird people in and out of that home across the street from you. wtf? happened to the girl who drank bleach??? i hope she's ok!

dan said...

I too like to feed the birds.

As far as that girl goes she was just showing her love for The Dead Milkmen. "I've got some friends and we all drink bleach..." I think some folks should drink bleach.

peltierinator said...

Your right Dan, some folks should drink bleach.

Stacey said...

Bread is bad for birds. Even if they don't get hit by the cars it's birdie junk food, filler with low nutritional value.

My street is douchebag free. In my old neighborhood my next door neighbor was a paranoid schizophrenic douchebag who told me that she knew that I spread rumors about her and that she had me on tape telling lies. Crazy stuff went on for years...she'd copy the things I did in my yard and when I had a moving sale, they had a moving sale too but then they didn't actually move. If I put up a political sign, she put up the opposing sign and put it as close to my yard as she could. There was some bleach story about her, too. I think she accused the neighbors of spreading bleach in her bushes so that neighborhood kids would get into it and she would be blamed, or something like that. She really freaked me out.

Stacey said...

Sounds like it takes a douchebag to bring out your mohawk attitude.

Andre said...

My "hawkitude" was in full effect.

I'll write about the bleach next week.

Andre said...

Wendy, I think we need details about the toothbrush-ass insertion photos.

Warren said...

That's it? Just spreading a little bread around (and despite its putatively low nutritional value ((maybe it was whole wheat bread from the co-op)) I doubt any of the birds are complaining) and mistaking the street for a trashcan... that's enough to spin your tizzies?

To me, that fits comfortably within the "merely eccentric" category of neighbor.

Now to the neighbor, you, Andre, probably appeared to be the nut job: swearing and yelling, trespassing on his property, wacko animal-rights considerations spewing from your mouth (birds and squirrels need street protection? what are you smoking?)

Now that whole bleach thing is another affair...

jason said...

My neighbors reach over the fence and grab my dog so he can run around in their backyard with their dogs. I never said this was alright. I'll let him out and come back a few minutes later and he's missing. The dude is also always, and I mean literally 5 or 6days a week, out there working on his big eyesore of a boat. I don't care too much that he keeps it there, but it's annoying listening to power tools and shit all the time. Anything that requires that much maintenance is not worth having in my opinion. Oh, and he keeps his dog outside all the time, which I think is ghetto, and the thing barks and howls all day. I'd like it if that dog drank bleach. When his other dog died a few months ago I acted sad about it, but then I went inside and celebrated.

Andre said...

Actually, Warren, I didn't leave my porch. I just yelled from where I was. He definitely knew he was doing something strange. I'm not opposed to feeding the birds, but why in teh road? That's just weird.