Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It goes up and down

The elevators in Pray Harrold have been the subject of many a conversation for longer than I've been working here; however, today I witnessed something that demands attention. Before I get to that though, I want to explain the basic Visions of Ypsi Elevator Etiquette:*
1) Taking the elevator up less than 3 stories is forbidden**
2) Taking the elevator down is forbidden**
3) Forcing the door open when it's nearly shut is forbidden
4) Trying to get into the elevator before the people inside have gotten off is forbidden
5) Riders must be mindful of personal space
6) Riders should be aware that their backpacks/book carrying devices take up a lot of space & should not impede the doors' ability to shut
7) Cell phone use is forbidden... there is no connectivity so stop trying
8) Attention whores need to shut the fuck up
9) Farting/burping/etc is forbidden for obvious reasons
10) Standing in the elevator w/ the door open while finishing a conversation is forbidden

* These rules apply only in Pray Harrold. Not all elevator systems are the same so one can't expect people to abide by the same rules in all elevators
**Rules 1 & 2 do not apply to people who are pregnant, elderly, obese, or handicapped or people w/ little kids in tow
Of course, no one is perfect & even I have been known to break these rules on occasion, but today I was party to a woman who broke 5 @ 1 time. I was on my way up to the 6th floor as the doors we shutting when she shoved her hand into the 4 inches of clearance between them [rule 3]. The doors reopened & she got in & proceeded to stand right next to me [rule 5]. We were the only 2 people in the car. She blabbed on about how late she was & "isn't it cold outside this week" & "this bookbag is soooo heavy" & "my classes are driving me crazy." This all happened w/in the course of a ride up 2 stories. The conversation would be fine if we knew each other or if it was some sort of flirtatious thing, but I really think she assumed I actually cared about her troubles [rule 8]. (And no, the irony of the fact that I'm whining on here for all of you isn't lost on me.) Obviously, the conversation started before she was actually all the way into the car so it held up the lift that much longer [rules 6 & 10].

It was @ this point that she then did the unthinkable. She shouted out the floor number she needed as if I was some sort of elevator operator from a Bogart film. Standing right next to me & unimpeded by anyone else on the elevator... FIVE! I turned & stared @ her w/out moving to the button until she finally pushed it herself. She didn't ask me to do it; she demanded I do it. She didn't even say "5 please." At least she was going up 4 stories & didn't also break rule 1. If you can think of other rules that should be added to the list, feel free to leave them in the comments section.


Steve said...

I'm ROTF laughing here, dude. I have so been on that elevator ride. Can I post/repost this to EMUTalk.org?

Anonymous said...

I would add to your list No. 11:

It is forbidden to listen to your ipod with the volume turned up to 11 so that everyone on the elevator has to listen to your crap ass music.


Elizabeth said...

First of all, I think exercise is good for both the pregnant and elderly.

Second, is Annette referencing Spinal Tap or do ipod volumes really go to 11? If it's a reference, I like it.

dan said...

Hey Dre, you could avoid all this nonsense and just take the stairs. It might get you into mid season form for the Green quicker!

Andre said...

Exercise is obviously good for the elderly and pregnant, but I'm not going to dictate that they take stairs.

As far as pre-season form goes, I'm ready, baby! I don't get more in shape than this!

Daye said...

I feel your pain brutha--there should be a special level of hell reserved for those who only travel one floor--in either direction.

peltierinator said...

I fail to see how green has a chance if this is as in shape as you get. I know what that is.

Andre said...

I'm like John McClain. I kick ass just as I am.