I took a ridiculous quiz on Facebook last night regarding my inability to take on Chuck Norris in a street-fight which got me thinking about his odd place in American pop-culture. Why has this douche become such an icon? Brain-dead right wing propaganda + shitty acting ability = cool? I think not. And I'm pretty sure I could take him in a fight. In fact, even if we threw in Jack LaLanne & Johnny Weissmuller & turned it into a steel cage match, I'm pretty sure Norris would break a hip before I broke a sweat. Weissmuller would probably come in 2nd (& he's been dead for 25 years). I don't imagine the kids who are loving him have ever even seen a Chuck Norris movie... & why would they? I tried to watch Missing in Action 2 for a paper hen I was in Grad School & finally just changed the paper topic. Or perhaps they were lovin' Walker, Texas Ranger... I doubt it though; it was a really bad show.
Another celebrity who deserves none of the love he gets is Keef. Through the mid-60s he was probably cool, & between Beggar's Banquet & Exile he may have been one of the coolest people on the face of the Earth, but what has he done for me lately? Nothing! A drunk fashion designer banking on his out-dated image for 30 years? No thanks. The X-pensive Winos were alright... in the same vein as The Juju Hounds, but the love he gets is certainly unequal to the love he deserves.
From the guy who played Jack Sparrow's father, we go next tot the guy who played Jack Sparrow. Johnny Depp is a bit of a 1-trick pony (& I should know... we can smell our own). Runny the gambit from A to A, he's been banking on Edward Scissorhands since Edward Scissorhands came out. I admit that I dig pirate movies as much as (& probably more than) the next guy, Willy Wonka, Sweeny Todd, John Wilmont, Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter... how many times can he play the same roll... he's akin to Shatner w/o the irony. It must be said that the Don Quixote & Lone Ranger films in production could be pretty cool... & I'm sure I'll have to see Pirates 4. He's also listed as being in some forthcoming Happy Days film. I'm sure he'll be playing Fonzie, but @ his age, Mr C would be more apropos. It'd be nice to see him push himself & go for Potzie... or maybe Jennifer Piccolo.
From Jack Sparrow, we move to Jack White. I know it's a local boy makes good story (not unlike Ted Nugent & Bob Seger), but like Nugent & Seeger, White is highly untalented. He seems to be a sort of low-rent Ryan Adams. I imagine White could take RA in a boxing ring, but I bet Adams is scrappier 7 wold kick his ass in a back alley.
Finally, we have a character who seems to have jumped right off the pages of a Hanif Kureishi novel. I have no problem w/ Buddhism nor w/ the teaching of peace & love, but when a dude uses this as a way to build some sort of financial empire based on selling the same book to 40-something bourgeois American women over & over (simply repackaged under different titles) so they can claim to be @ 1 w/ the universe while driving their ridiculous kids around in their ridiculous cars in order to get their ridiclous pets groomed quickly before their ridiculous coffee gets cold & they need to get back to their ridiculous McMansions. I really don't like Thich Nhat Hanh.
Honorable Mention:
Tom Robbins
Scarlett Johanson
Christopher Walken
Penelope Cruz
JK Rowlings
Ira Glass
Jack Black
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5 comments:
Are you being serious about Chuck Norris? Do you really not get that his recent popularity is all because of his lameness? Just like Hasselhoff. His perceived awesomeness is pure irony.
Why didn't Dane Cook make your list? People actually claim that he is actually awesome when he obviously sucks.
oh good call Jason, Dane Cook is a good one.
Check Norris doesn't t-bag you he potato sacks you.
Stephanie said the same thing about Norris, but unfortunately, after enduring students talk about him, I realized many people take it seriously and actually love him. I'm sure it's a generational thing & I doubt they'd ever seen his films, but their love for him was certainly there. It was weird.
Good call on Dane Cook. Did I tell you the story of the Ypsi cops who were loving him? If not, I'll post it soon.
Please! Ryan Adams over Jack White. Adams is such a hack! Hail White on this one.
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