The Impending Party

I know most of you have received your invites already anyway, but I thought I'd write a little about the coming Burns' Night Celebration. I'm really looking forward to the festivities. After last year's immense success, I imagine this one will be smaller & a bit less intimidating. I remember counting upwards of about 55 people, many of whom I had never met. Furthermore, there were shoes covering the entire front 1/2 of my living room floor. It was suggested today by someone @ work that I put the shoes in a big box, but then we realized that 1 big box would cause us to ignorantly overlook a great opportunity. Maybe we'll split the shoes into 2 boxes @ play a sort of '70s fishbowl key-chain game. We'll see how well that goes over. Other, less problematic plans for the night include the Burns Supper. While the supper will be sans piper, there will certainly be haggis (vegetarian) & a wide array of food & drink. Plus, of course, the reading of Rabbie Burns poetry & maybe some puking in my driveway if a certain friend from the other side of Washtenaw Ave. is up for it. I , on the other hand, will be refraining from such excesses. I plan to have a good time but also be able to get out of bed the following day. We are talking about the FA Cup 4th round after all. I can't simply miss the game because I was too hung over to turn on the tv. It's possible though that the Arsenal v Newcastle game will be on the 26th which means I'll be able to watch it before the party & not have to worry about getting up the next day. Even so, I don't plan to make it another one of those days. I think those hung-over days might be behind me. I watched the Arsenal v Everton game in rather rough shape last year after St. Patrick's Day. I suffered through a rough breakfast & putt-putt outing after my b-day, & after the Bob Dylan show last fall I watched France drub the Faeroe Islands 6-0 while I was in rather sorry shape. That said, I don't want y'all to assume this will be some sort of teetotaler's affair, so in order to get everyone in the right frame of mind, here are the 1st 2 stanzas from Rabbie Burns' poem "Scotch Drink":
LET other poets raise a fracas
'Bout vines, an’ wines, an’ drucken Bacchus,
An’ crabbit names an’stories wrack us,
An’ grate our lug:
I sing the juice Scotch bear can mak us,
In glass or jug.

O thou, my muse! guid auld Scotch drink!
Whether thro’ wimplin worms thou jink,
Or, richly brown, ream owre the brink,
In glorious faem,
Inspire me, till I lisp an’ wink,
To sing thy name!
And now that you're all in the mood, here are a few links to get you started as you think about what to bring to the feast.
The World Burns Club
Burns Country
The Bard
The BBC Burns Page
Burns Supper on Wikipedia

Take the Pocked Kids Sledding

As a last hurrah before we all go back to school next week, I took the kids sledding this morning. Y'all might remember last year's incident when Solstice smashed her face & I fucked up my shoulder; well, I'm happy to report we all made it through our outing unscathed. We just went down the road to the hill by Perry Kindergarten. I was thinking about going to Rolling Hills, but I wasn't up for the big climb & the kids didn't seem to care one way or the other. In fact, I think they kind of preferred the smaller hill. The problem I have w/ sledding though is that it always makes me long for skiing and sledding up north. Growing up in Petoskey kind of spoiled me for the sledding around here. Although I wasn't up for the long climb today, if we had easy access to the hills up north, I'd have been willing to suffer the long walk. There was a sledding hill down the street from my house that worked like a funnel (or in Alpine terms, a bowl... not to be confused w/ a nice piece of glass). It was about 450 ft long, it had a crazy grade, & there was an electrified barbed wire fence @ the bottom. We had to time our ducking well or we'd have gotten pretty fucked up. In hind sight, I can't believe our parents let us use that hill. Of course, there's a house there now so this generation of kids is getting screwed out of that awesome sledding spot. Solstice's Snow Angel Aiden... ready to launch Solstice not hurting herself
In other news, Solstice had the Chicken Pox this week. Stephanie & I had been vigilant in our quest to get them infect for quite some time. She even went so far as to have Solstice share a sucker w/ some kid who had them a couple years ago. However, it had always been to no avail. Last weekend, Stephanie called & told me she thought we may have had a breakthrough in the quest for pox though. And she was right. This past week, Solstice has been "suffering" w/ the mildest case of Chicken Pox I've ever seen. They did prevent us from going to Jim & Rachel's New Years Eve Party though, but we had a nice time hanging out @ home. Aiden still hasn't shown any symptoms, but I'm waiting patiently. I hope he gets them soon so we can get it over w/.

One history of medicine book credits Giovanni Filippo (1510–1580) of Palermo with the first description of varicella (chickenpox). Subsequently in the 1600s, an English physician named Richard Morton described what he thought a mild form of smallpox as "chicken pox." Later, in 1767, a physician named William Heberden, also from England, was the first physician to clearly demonstrate that chickenpox was different from smallpox. However, it is believed the name chickenpox was commonly used in earlier centuries before doctors identified the disease.

There are many explanations offered for the origin of the name chickenpox:
*Samuel Johnson suggested that the disease was "less dangerous", thus a "chicken" version of the pox;
*the specks that appear looked as though the skin was pecked by chickens;
*the disease was named after chick peas, from a supposed similarity in size of the seed to the lesions;
*the term reflects a corruption of the Old English word giccin, which meant itching.
As "pox" also means curse, in medieval times some believed it was a plague brought on to curse children by the use of black magic.

From ancient times, neem has been used by Indians to alleviate the external symptoms of itching and to minimise scarring. Neem baths (neem leaves and a dash of turmeric powder in water) are commonly given for the duration. During the medieval era, oatmeal was discovered to soothe the sores, and oatmeal baths are today still commonly given to relieve itching. (All praise to Wikipedia for this historical over-view.)

Holiday Post #17: And the winner Is...

The votes have been counted and the wait is almost over. It's been a fun 2 weeks, but the voting ended @ midnight on the cusp of 2008. As the ball was hitting the big 2008 sign in Time Square & Dick Clark was wowing us w/ his longevity & survival skills (I'd forgotten he had a stroke), Solstice was in awe of the fact that Miley Cyrus was performing live on TV & that she'd been able to stay up to see it (I was a bit surprised too seeing as she has the Chicken Pox... more on that soon). Yet, while all of this was happening, something bigger than all of us occurred: you let your voices be heard & picked the Visions of Ypsi 2007 Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year... or, well, you almost picked her. As was the case last year, it was a close race & in fact has again come down to the tie-breaker vote to be cast by me. In terms of the total # of votes, a few sorry saps got zip (Jennifer Weiner, Nancy Kerrigan, & Elizabeth Hasselbeck & surprisingly J. Lo & Jessica Alba). Had it come down to any of them, I would've cast my tie-breaker on J. Lo, but thankfully, that hasn't had to happen. Here are the results:

Drea de Mateo... 1
Halle Berry... 2
Christina Aguilera... 2
Helena Bonham Carter... 4
Angelina Jolie... 4

W/ Bonham Carter & Jolie tied @ 4 I've had a tough decision to make. Weighing Angelina's T&A & her philanthropic work against Helena's weirdness has been tough, but my decision has been made. After looking through Bonham Carter's body of work, I realized that I've never really liked any of her films other than Maurice & Howard's End. (Perhaps when I see Sweeny Todd I'll have to update my views.) A Room w/ a View is one of the worst Merchant/Ivory films ever. Planet of the Apes is shit. There are much better Hamlets out there. Frankenstein is ridiculous. Mighty Aphrodite is one of the worst Woody Allen films ever. Big Fish & Charlie & the Chocolate Factory are over-rated. Of course, the M.I.L.F. contest isn't just about acting talent. There is also other types of talent to be considered & Angelina has that in spades compared to Helena Bonham Carter. Besides, I actually like some of her films. Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow is cool, Gia is interesting, & she is fantastic in The Good Shepherd. That said, it really comes down to the other talents & as I said before, Angelina has it covered in that department so I now give you

YOUR "VISIONS OF YPSI 2007 CELEBRITY M.I.L.F. OF THE YEAR!"
Angelina Jolie
She isn't available for comment, but I'm sure if she were here, she'd say she is honored to join the ranks of Maggie Gyllenhaal & Michelle Williams. Moreover, I would imagine she would thank me for running this contest & giving her yet another platform to work her magic & get her message of peace & caring into all of our homes. Furthermore, she would probably want us to get involved w/ the fight against poverty & hunger & the fight against the genocide in Darfur... oh & she'd probably want us to look @ her tits.

Holiday Post #16: Year End Wrap Up

The Contest:
At the moment, Angelina Jolie is 1 vote ahead of Helena Bonham Carter in the run up to the Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year Award. Vote now if you feel there is a better milf in the running... or if you feel the need to protect Angelina's lead. The final outcome will be announced on New Years Day.The Quiz:
It is the tradition of many a blog to provide an overview of the year in blogging @ the end of December. I've done it in the past, but this time I decided to provide something else... a year end quiz. That's right, click on topless Alec Trebek to take the Visions of Ypsi Attention Whore quiz & find out how much attention you've been paying to me this year. Feel free to post your score in the comments section. The Death Pool:
W/ only a few day to go, it looks like Jason will win this year's Celebrity Death Pool. While 3 of us are sitting on 3 points, he has the lowest combined age which just so happens to be the 1st tie breaker. Of course last year, I scored on new years Eve w/ James Brown, nut I doubt there will be a last minute death 2 years in a row. Furthermore, The James Brown points were wasted because I didn't win, but had he held don for 1 more day, I would have been able to count him for this year which would have put me 2 points clear @ the top of the table.

Holiday Post #15: Boxing Day & Before Boxing Day

Before we get to the meat & potatos of this post, I need to remind everyone to cast her or his vote in The Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year Contest. The polls will be closing @ the stroke of midnight on the cusp of 2008. There are still a few people who need to stand up & be counted. Now, w/ the businessy stuff out of the way, here's the overview of the last few days.

As the Holiday Weekend began, I took the kids to get hair cuts Friday after school. They had a 1/2 day, & my ex was around so we all went together to Eleven West on Michigan Ave. Aiden went 1st, & as he was finished I realized that his cut wasn't that great. He's only 6 though so I figured it didn't really matter, except that I knew the same person was about to do my hair. For though of you who haven't been up on this issue lately, my hair has become a point of contention between me & the universe lately. Solstice went next & then my ex. Both looked fine & not knowing how to get out of it, they took off & I got in the "hot-seat." After getting the wash, we returned to the swivel chair as she started breathing really heavily in my ear. I couldn't tell if it was an issue of allergies or if maybe she had a cold. It is also possible that she has a deviated septum, but afterwards, my ex suggested that it was because she was a bit overweight (the size of about 4 average hair stylists). Whatever the reason, it was gross. & I couldn't get out of there soon enough so when she asked how it looked, I said it was fine & got the hell out of there. In hindsight, I'm not too pleased w/ the cut, but by the time I get another one in a year or so it won't matter anyway.

On Saturday, Jean came into town, but it wasn't until Sunday that we got to hang out. I met the ex @ her church to get the kids & we then went to my parents' house. It was nice to see Jean, & the kids had a great time messing w/ him for the day. they then stayed w/ my parents for the night as Jean & I went to my house for a sweet game of Risk. I hadn't played that game since middle school, & it was great. I think I'll need to pick up my own so as to be able to play all the time... although I doubt if I'll be able to find people to play w/... Anyone up for a game?

On Monday we did family presents & then went to my Aunt's house for extended family stuff. It was nice to see those folks, & nice to have the same conversations we always have. The tradition of talking about The Rolling Stones & the time my cousin got me high for the first time was still in place. Some things never change. We got home @ about 10:45 & by the time the kids were in bed, Santa had a late, late night. He was then awakened early yesterday morning as the kids wanted to open presents. Aiden spent the morning repeating how it was the best X-Mas ever. Solstice didn't make any bold claim like that, but they both had a great time & really seemed to appreciate everything. They then went to their mom's for their X-Mas w/ her family as I went to my parents' house to watch classic Arsenal FA Cup Finals on FSC. We got to see 1971's 2-1 extra-time win over Liverpool, 1979's 3-2 classic against Man U where 3 goals were scored in the last 3 minutes, & then 1993's 1-1 draw / Sheffield Wednesday. After the 30 minutes of extra time the game had to be replayed. Why they didn't show the replay instead will never be known.
In other footy news, the Boxing Day fixtures are on right now, & I just watched a great 4-4 draw between Chelsea & Aston Villa from Stamford Bridge. Later today we'll be watching Arsenal @ Portsmouth which should be a great game but right now it's Liverpool @ Derby County which hasn't become the trouncing I expected when I picked up 2 Liverpool players for my Fantasy team this week. It's still early though so we'll see. In fact, as I'm writing this, Torres, my captain, just scored!

Holiday Post #14: Happy Festivus

Put up your aluminum pole and prepare your list of grievances... It's Festivus time again!

Holiday Post #13: Top 10 Seasonal Films

Before we get to the countdown, I want to mention a couple that I know will raise some complaints. While I like the 1st two Vacation films, I absolutely hate Christmas Vacation. It is a piece of shit movie. Dan, Jason, Elizabeth, Joe: I know you like this mess of a film, but I was disappointed when I saw it in the Canton Cinema 6 in 1989 & I'm less impressed now. The other one that often ruffles feathers is It's a Wonderful Life. I saw it for the 1st time when I was in college but only made it through the 1st half. I've seen it since, but I hated it then too. Furthermore, it is responsible for my years of hatred toward James Stewart. When I finally saw Vertigo, I nearly shat myself realizing that he's actually really good. if you must see a Jimmy Stewart film this holiday season, let it be something other than this useless Frank Capra drivel. There is 1 other film I considered, but I can't remember the name of it. It's some old short from the 1938 that retells the birth of Christ @ some diner in the desert of New Mexico. It brings together my 3rd favorite December holiday w/ 1 of my favorite film genres: film noir. I wish I could remember what it's called because it's pretty fucked up. Feel free to discuss your personal favs in the comments section. And, while this goes w/o saying, don't forget to cast your vote for M.I.L.F. of the Year in the post below this one. While i'm on that subject, Joe said there was some hack on VH1 talking about the MILF of the year w/o crediting me @ all & then he talked about the Douchebag of the Year w/o crediting Jason... Joe didn't know who it was, but my money is on Dane Cook.

And now, w/o further ado, I give you my top 10 holiday films of all time:
10) One Magic Christmas: A pretty cheesy 80s film, but like all the best 80s films, it features Harry Dean Stanton. Of course in this movie, he plays an angel who saves the life of Mary Steenburgen's character's husband who dies @ the beginning in a car accident. Not fantastic, but certainly worth a viewing.
9) White Christmas: Brought to us by Michael Curtiz, the director of Captain Blood & Casablanca, this fun classic brings Bing Crosby, Rosemary Clooney & Danny Kaye together for a little holiday romp... full of singing & dancing.
8) The Santa Clause: I watched this again last night w/ the kids & it's a lot better than I remembered. Tim Allen, while no Fess Parker, is everything anyone could ask for in a Disney leading man. The sequel features Elizabeth Mitchell from Lost, but I've only heard horrible things about the 3rd in the series.
7) Die Hard: Of course, the most recent one is the Die Hard film to have won all the Oscars, but this one started it all... and introduced the world to John McClane.
6) Santa Clause Conquers the Martians: I saw this one 1st on MST3K, but I've since seen it w/o the robot commentary. Obviously, the commentary is important, but it stands alone as 1 of the weirdest holiday movies ever made... even weirder than the 1 whose name I couldn't remember. 5) Bad Santa: Billy Bob Thorton basically just plays himself in this one, but then he was able to capitalize on this persona again in his 2005 remake of The Bad News Bears... a grumpy drunk who hangs out w/ kids... just like me coaching soccer after the Dylan concert.
4) A Christmas Carol: While the Muppets' version is the one I saw most recently, I'm going to have to go w/ the George C. Scott version. It's the 1st one I ever saw & it still stands up well after 25 years. I'd also like to recommend the 1951 version w/ Alister Simm, but Scott's 1984 Scrooge is by far the best.
3) Trading Places: Though often overlooked when people compile lists of holiday films, this one came out a year before George C. Scott's Christmas Carol. It may still be Eddie Murphy's best film, plus there is actually some decent social commentary... maybe the only SNL film to ever include such a thing
2) A Christmas Story: The year that brought us trading Places also brought us this classic about a boy, a b.b. gun & the only lamp that's ever turned me on. I imagine some would place this as their #1, & I'm tempted to do so also, but while films from my elementary years are making up 3s 4, 3, & 2, I can't let nostalgia blur my vision.
1) Miracle on 34th Street: Coming in at #1, we have this timeless classic w/ Natalie Wood, Maureen O'Hara & Edmund Gwenn as Kris Kringle. If you haven't seen this in years, give it another go... if you've only seen it colorized, be sure to check it out in the B&W original print. It's fantastic.

Holiday Post #12: Vote Now for the Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year

We @ Visions of Ypsi are proud to present the 4th Annual Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year Contest. Before you vote, however, be sure to read the rules:
1) The nominations have been considered and narrowed down to ten (10) contestants.
2) Each reader of Visions of Ypsi is allowed one (1) vote.
3) Votes are to be posted in the comments section of this post.
4) Giving people shit based on who they voted for is not only accepted, but encouraged.
5) All votes posted by 12:00 AM on New Years Eve will be counted.
6) Voting is closed @ 12:01 AM New Years Day.
7) Late nominations will be considered, but discouraged.
8) Those nominated but not included on this official ballot are not eligible for late nominations.
9) If a voter wishes to change his or her vote, she or he must petition the writers of Visions of Ypsi.
10) Anonymously posted votes will only be accepted if the writers of Visions of Ypsi are told who the person is who is voting anonymously. In other words, the post can be anonymous and I will protect his or her anonymity, but I want to know who is voting.
11) We @ Visions of Ypsi will only cast a vote to break a tie if said vote is necessary.
12) Ineligible Nominees: Ali Landry... gave birth in July which means she was eligible in 2006; Bridget Moynahan... announced her pregnancy in February, explaining that she was 3 months pregnant which disqualifies her for the same reason as Ali Landry.

Previous winners include such luminaries as Michelle Willaims & Maggie Gyllenhaal & the anticipation to see who will be crowned this year's winner has been building for months. And now... Your 2007 Visions of Ypsi Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year Nominees:

Christina Aguilera: This 27 year old pop-singer was knocked up by her husband, music marketing executive Jordan Bratman. She is known for her vocal ability & her fantastic titsJessica Alba: This Invisible Woman was knocked up by her boyfriend, Cash Warren, who was mistakenly referred to as an actor on here last week. That's almost as bad as referring to Jessica Alba as an actress. Halle Berry: The 41 year old Bond-Girl was impregnated by her long-time companion, French-Canadian supermodel Gabriel Aubry. Here's to hoping her parenting skills are better than her acting in Die Another Day.Helena Bonham Carter: Our weirdest nominee in now w/ child for the 3rd time thanks to her weird husband, Tim Burton. Apparently, they live in opposite wings of a house connected by a long hallway. Elizabeth Hasselbeck: Former Survivor contestant & current co-host of the view, she is known for her wacky conservative views and her opposition to Darwinian science. Angelina Jolie: W/ her 2nd nomination in this category, Bradjelina is preparing for her 5th child... the 2nd whom she is birthing. If y'all remember correctly, there was a little controversy w/ her previous nomination because some readers felt that adoption shouldn't have made people eligible for this award. Well, this time she actually has a bun in the oven so no one can complain.Nancy Kerrigan: This horse-face, who had a small role in Blades of Glory, got herself knocked up this year & recently gave birth... I guess it's an improvement from what she got knocked last time she was in the news. It's not clear if she carried the child in her uterus or somewhere in her huge gums. No pregnant pics could be found, but that's probably just as well.Jennifer Lopez: Jenny from the Block is pregnant w/ the child of her husband, Marc Anthony. Coincidentally, while she is honored to be nominated for this award, she is also the 2007 Visions of Ypsi Beard of the Year. J. Lo. is raking in the awards hand over fist.Drea de Matteo: This Soprano is currently dating Waylon Jennings' son, Shooter Jennings, who has knocked her up. Of course, she knows people who can give you a world of trouble if you don't vote for her.Jennifer Weiner: This "Chick Lit" writer is friends w/ Toni Morrison & Joyce Carol Oates & is certainly just happy to be nominated. It's not clear if she's pregnant in this pic or not, but we'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

Holiday Post #11: The Cinnamon Babka & The Underpanties

On Friday night the English Department had its annual holiday party, the 1st one I've been to in many many years. I wasn't going to bring anything because I wasn't planning to eat anything, but then while shopping, I came upon an entire rack of Babka. Of course, the chocolate Babka were on top & the cinnamon were on the bottom, but if I've learned anything from the Seinfeld episode "The Dinner Party" other than that the Black & White cookie is a symbol of racial unity, it's that cinnamon Babka takes a back seat to no Babka. So w/ Babka in hand (wrapped in foil to look as though I made it), off I went to Jim & Rachel's house before the party. Jim was off to a different party 1st but Rachel was there as was Steve (Annette was @ the party early to help set up). Rachel was making food for the kids & the baby-sitter, Taquitos from Jose Ole! which Steve proceeded to say over & over & over all night long... Taquitos... from Jose Ole!!!When we got to the party, there was food & wine a plenty, but very few Lecturers. In fact only 2 others were there & of those 2, I only know the one I didn't actually see. It was fun though as I then got to do my part to unite the GAs w/ the faculty... just like Rosa Parks would've done. The Babka was a hit, but all the food was really good. I was a bit puzzled by the "Award Winning" brownies though. I don't know who made them, & if the maker happens to read this, I mean no offense, but what type of award could they have won? They were good, but far from the best brownies I've ever had... even if I don't count the ones I had @ Dead shows 15 years ago, they weren't that special. That said, they were still brownies which are usually pretty good none-the-less.After the string trio which was performing (they did a cool version of "Whiskey for Breakfast") finished, Jim & Joe Csicsila took the stage & played for the rest of the evening. Son Volt, Van Morrison, Ryan Adams, Grateful Dead... it was a good time. After they finished we went back to Jim & Rachel's for drinks, but Rachel crashed immediately which prompted Annette to talk about the old days when girls would freeze the bra & underpanties of the first girl who fell asleep @ a slumber party. Of course, I've heard of this tradition, but I've never completely the homoerotic way they would remove the undergarments from the sleeping girl w/o her waking up. More importantly, she used the word "underpanties." Awesome!I'll post more pics from the party when Kristen gets off her ass & up-loads them. Not that she's to blame for the lack of pics... @ least she remembered her camera unlike me whose sorry, lazy ass left it on the table. For now, we'll have to rely on these which I just copped from Rachel's Facebook profile. I don't know what the Hell is going on in this picture of Joe, but it looks a bit naughty. While we're waiting for the rest of the pictures, I'm going to take pride in the fact that I blogged about htis before Steve & y'all can keep up w/ the nominations for Celebrity MILF of the Year.

Holiday Post #10: Celebrity MILF of the Year

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"to talk of milfy things"
The Contest
That's right! It's time to make your nominations for Celebrity MILF of the year. Before you nominate, take a look at the rules:
1) The nominee must be a celebrity or have been knocked up by a celebrity This is important because we had an incident a couple years ago when Courtney attempted to nominate herself. We at Visions of Ypsi certainly know pregnant people, but they are ineligible for this contest
2) The nominee must have gotten pregnant (or adopted) in 2007
3) Celebrities who gave birth n 2007 but got knocked up in 2006 are ineligible because they were eligible for the 2006 contest
4) All nominations must be posted in this post's comment section w/in one week (7 days) of the post's publication (December 15). Please include all pregnancy stats you have concerning your nomination
5) Pregnant celebrities posting on Visions of Ypsi are encouraged to nominate themselves
6) There is no limit on the number of celebrities one can nominate, but only one will win
7) In the case of a draw, the winner will be selected by me
8) On December 22, nominees will be listed in a new post. If there are more than 10 nominees, I will narrow the list down to the 10 hottest (I know this is completely subjective, but it's my blog, damn't!)
9) I will begin the nominations following the rule section of this post
10) Voting will last through the end of December at which point I will collate the data and announce YOUR 2007 CELEBRITY MILF OF THE YEAR!!!!!
The Nominations
Jessica Alba: Knocked up by Fantastic 4 co-star Cash Warren who is, coincidentally, the de facto winner of the Visions of Ypsi Celebrity Fake-sounding-Celebrity-Name of the Year Award
Drea de Matteo: Knocked up by Shooter Jennings. The baby was born 2 weeks ago & subsequently named Alabama Gypsyrose... a name to make Grandpa Waylon proud
Helena Bonham Carter: Impregnated by Tim Burton, this hottie should be having her baby any day now... here's to hoping Burton films it all and created some stop-motion freak-show based on his recording
Jennifer Weiner: This novelist gave birth last month and has been blogging about the experience since she announced she was pregnant in July.
Nancy Kerrigan: this horse-face is only rumored to be preggo. Let's hope Jennifer Weiner doesn't club her knee in an attempt to steal some votes

There must be people more deserving of the award than these folks... so make w/ the nominations!

Holiday Post #9: Ypsi Got an IHOP

Technically, it's Pittsfield Township, but let's not split hairs. Stacey has been talking this place up for a couple weeks & I think she's actually taken a couple other people there already... Brook & Kate if I remember correctly, but I hadn't gone until this morning when she & I went after dropping the kids off at school. I don't think I've ever actually been to an IHOP before, & I was left wondering how international they actually are. The food was good though. I got the black bean chili omelet w/ a stack of pancakes & an OJ. I have to say, I'm still partial to local diner/greasy dives for breakfast, but I was impressed & I'm glad she brought me there. The service was really good too. A little too good, in fact, for a breakfast place. Everyone was so friendly & helpful, I felt out of place... what'd they have to be so fucking cheery about? Sitting there in the back corner (sometimes I feel like I'm always getting stuck in the back corner at restaurants)we got to watch the snow falling outside (this is why this qualifies as a holiday post) & it felt like something out of a Jim Jarmusch movie... or maybe the Cohen Bros, but more like Jim Jarmusch. it was like a dark road movie. I don't know why, but I always associate IHOPs w/ road-trips. I guess it's just because I only see them when on the road. To finish the road-trip triumvirate, Ypsi now needs a Shoneys & a Waffle House. When I was in Grad School, we went on a road trip to FLA & stopped at a Shoneys in Ohio. The palcemat had a map on it which showed the location of every Shoneys in the country. It was pretty cool bedcause when we took it w/ us, we then always knew how many Shoneys away from our destination we were. Here's a link to a similar map of IHOPs, but it's a bit outdated, so don't plan any trips around it. You will see how many there are on the I-75 corridor through Tennessee, Georgia, 7 Florida. I suppose we could have stopped at an IHOP instead.

Holiday Post #8: Oh Hanukkah

As today is the last day of my 6th favorite December holiday, I thought I'd give you all a little Meshugga Beach Party... the world's premier Jewish Surf-Rock band. Enjoy... and happy Hanukkah!

Holiday Post #7: All I Want for X-Mas...

Shin Guards?
My kids have been bugging me to let them sleep w/ me for about a week now, so finally, last night, after 10 minutes of whining & begging, I told them to get their pillows & blankets & get to sleep. of course, I was planning to stay up for 4 more hours grading & finishing The Color Purple so they weren't even going to realize they were sleeping w/ me by the time I went to bed. When I did finally push them over a bit in a sorry attempt to make a little room for myself, my daughter decided that spending the next 10 minutes kicking me in the shins would be a good idea. I actually considered sleeping in my shin guards, but, of course, they are cracked & I didn't want the crack to scape her foot. When I eventually got her to stop, he poked me in the esophagus w/ her index finger 7 then as I bent down in pain, she punched me on the top of my head. It was like some fucked up 3 Stooges routine. The crack in th shin guard coupled w/ the hole in the toe of my boots suggests that I need to be completely re-equipped for the spring season.Movies?
A few films are coming out soon (or have come out recently) that I think I might want to see.
1) The Bourne Ultimatum: I liked the 1st 2 films in this series & after just watching the Ebert & Roeper review, I suppose I need to see the new one too.
2) Ocean's 13: I really like the 1st 1 & the 2nd is quite the guilty pleasure, so I'm going to need to see the new one pretty soon.
3) Suddenly, Last Summer: By far my favorite Tennessee Williams' film. There's seems to be some new DVD edition out, but I haven't been able to find much info about it.
4) Flash Gordon: The Saviour of the Universe Edition: I can't believe I still haven't gotten this. After 27 years of waiting for the perfect copy of this film, this new edition is the best they've come up w/ so far. I haven't heard many good things about the extras, but a newly cleaned up print w/ that great music... awesome.

A new Wooden Cutting Board?
I was cleaning my a few weeks ago & as I set it in the sink to dry, it cracked in half. I don't know why it happened, but I'm now stuck using a cutting board that's only about 6" across. It's ok for slicing cheese, but onions & garlic are a bit rough & lettuce is really hard because the head is bigger than the board upon which it must sit.Wool Socks?
I always get these, along w/ a sweater, from my mom so this is the most likely of the gifts on the list, but I've worn through a few pairs lately & could really use some new one. I know that wanting socks for X-mas kind of goes against the tradition of disdaining the sock-gift, but I don't care. They're practical & my feet get cold @ night.And now... a new tradition on my blog... the holiday song, a peppy little rockabilly number somewhere between Brian Setzer & Chuck Berry:

All I Want for Christmas is Cash

The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
My bills are mounting:
And all I want for Christmas is cash

Cookies in the oven
And presents underneath the tree
Cookies in the oven
And presents underneath the tree
But with all these presents
I can’t afford to eat

The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
My bills are mounting:
And all I want for Christmas is cash

Santa’s on the corner
And lights up on my house
Santa’s on the corner
And lights up on my house
But nobody’s eating
Not even the mouse

The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
My bills are mounting:
And all I want for Christmas is cash

I don’t want no hippo
And I got my two front teeth
I don’t want no hippo
And I got my two front teeth
But what’s the point?
Ain’t had no food for weeks

The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
The snow is falling
And the wind is rushing fast
My bills are mounting:
And all I want for Christmas is cash

Holiday Post #6: Why All the Long, Hairy Faces?

Jason posted this link to the Top 10 Star Wars tattoos and it reminded me that t'is the season for everyone's 2nd favorite made for TV holiday tradition, The Star Wars Holiday Special. I was talking about it the other day too, but I can't remember with whom that conversation took place. It may even have been yesterday at the Celebration of Student Writing. Regardless of who I was talking to, I thought I'd take this time to announce the annual viewing in case any of you would like to join me. I''l be watching the special this week-end; however, my copy is really old and grainy. If you plan to watch it w/ me & you happen to have a better version, particularly The Angry Sun Edition, I'd love it if you could bring it along. Here is a 5 minute overview featuring any of the best moments... The songs by Jefferson Starship & Princess Leia, the grumblings of the great Art Carney, Harrison Ford taking things much too seriously, Boba Fett in a fun little cartoon, & of course Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes backing up Bea Arthur for her bizarre cantina song... oh, & a little Wookie sex. According to wikipedia, Carrie Fischer doesn't even remember being involved w/ the project. Apparently, the stories of her coke use have been greatly underestimated.
For maore info on all things Holiday Special, be sure to consult the Wookipedia
Or, if you feel you need to run through the entire script before viewing this weekend, go to www.starwarsholidayspecial.com

And now, I'll leave you w/ the lyrics to Leia's song... wise words from a wise woman:
We celebrate
a day of peace.
A day of harmony.
A day of joy
we can all share
together joyously.
A day that takes
us through the
darkness.
A day that leads us
into might.
A day that makes
us want to celebrate
the light.
A day that brings
the promise that
one day, we'll be
free to live,
to laugh,
to dream,
to grow,
to trust,
to love,
to be.

Holiday Post #5: Martinis & Pickles

Friday night, a group of people from work went to Goodnight Gracie's for Emily's b-day. We had a great time & Emily got completely shithoused on some froo-froo fancy-ass martinis like the Chocolate Covered Strawberry & something that tasted like a White Russian. She was so drunk that @ the end of the night, I had to help Jenny get her back to Jenny's car 5 blocks away... "keep walking... there's a curb here, don't trip... I said, there's was a curb there...." I, on the other hand, was a responsible adult & just had a couple Rob Roys which were pretty good, but that bar is way too expensive. It's trying to be something out of Sex and the City, but it doesn't quite cut it. Also, it's really small, but the band felt they needed to be amplified for a large ballroom. The other problem w/ the band is that they were one trick ponies. Their improvisation was cool, but needed some more texture to really fill it out. The other problem I had w/ them is more personal... blues just doesn't really do it for me; it all kinda sounds the same. I recognized the bass player though; I think I worked w/ him at Borders a few years ago. Theoretically, Kristen will be posting some pictures of the night on her facebook profile some time soon.

Last night, I went to Nik & Jim's for a tree-trimming/hide the pickle/naked cookie party... here are the top 5 things I learned:
5) When one is on a road in Farmington called "Metroview," that person shouldn't be surprised when there is neither a metropolis nor a view. Similarly, when in Farmington & on a road called "Green Hills," there are no hills & nothing is green.
4) Ryan knows way way way too much about television.
3) When people have tree-trimming parties, it's really just a way to get out of decorating their own trees. It's like when Tom Sawyer tricks the other kids into white-washing the fence. W/ this in mind, I'd like to invite you all over for a bathroom cleaning party. It'll be sweet.
2) Germans are fucking weird. There is this tradition, "Weihnachtsgurke," of hiding a glass pickle ornament in the tree & then having everyone look for it: the winner gets a present. Only the culture that produced Schumacher and Hitler could have come up w/ this. Of course, Hitler wasn't actually German, & according to Wikipedia neither is the X-mas pickle. My wiki-info suggests that it's really an American tradition which has been wrongly associated w/ German culture. Then again, the Wikipedia entry for Nathaniel Hawthorne used to begin "Nathaniel Hawthorne, who liked to stay up late having hot gay butt sex,..." so I'm not sure what to believe.
1) Naked cookie decorating means that the cookies are naked, not the decoraters. This was a bit of a let down. Maybe if we'd opened up the bottle of tequila it would have been different. I guess there's always next year.
Here are a few pictures from the evening:

Shannon, Nicole, Kristen & Nik decorating naked cookies

Joe, Rachel, Jim, Nik, Kristen & Emily trimming the tree

In the X-mas fucking spirit Again, Emily is offended by something I said