Saturday, August 29, 2009

Summer of Arnold Post #3: The Fantasies

*Hercules in New York: If you're like me, you never actually attempted to sit through this thing until recently. The stand out scene involves Hercules wrestling a bear in Central Park & the bear is clearly just a dude in a bear costume. I'm sure Arnold had plenty of experience w/ furries before this film so he was able to pull on that going in, plus he was then able to claim all the previous experience as some sort of Stanislovski preparation for this movie. Don't watch this unless you have a lot of time to kill. It's only about 80 minutes, but it feels like a lifetime. 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs... unless you've seen it a million times over the last 30 years; in which case, 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Conan the Barbarian: The 1st of his 3 "Sword & Sorcery" films based on the stories of Robert E. Howard, most people like this 1 the most. The bad guy is played by James Earl Jones, which was a bit of downgrade after The Empire Strikes Back, & the good king is played by Max Von Sydow, an interesting finale to his early '80s triumvirate which also includes Flash Gordon & Victory. Certainly worth another viewing... but Stephanie hated it. 2 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Conan the Destroyer: The fact that I like this 1 more than Barbarian puts me in a small minority, but it is hat it is. The cast is fantastically awful, & ironically Wilt Chamberlain gets to protect the sanctity of the virgin. I imagine he actually banged everyone on set... including the horses & the llama... & that horned God thing. An awesomely awesome flick. 3 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Red Sonja: Steeling a move from the Indiana Jones Playbook, Arnold is teamed up w/ a kid, but Ernie Reyes Jr. is certainly no Jonathan Ke Quan. I kind of liked this when I was a kid, but it blows. Skip it & check out the recent comic book instead. 1 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*End of Days: This film has 2 good qualities: Gabriel Byrne is a good Satan & Arnold's character's name is pretty good... Jericho Cane. Other than that, it's pretty fun, but the gaping holes in the plot are endless. As a side-note, this is the first film we've covered so far to come straight out of a marketing meeting. And the meeting went thusly:
Marketing Dude #1: "Who can we get Arnold to fight?"
Marketing Dude #2: "Satan?"
MD1: "Cool!"
These are the same dudes who came up w/ Arnold v Los Angeles (The Terminator), Arnold v a Space Alien(Predator), & Arnold v himself (The 6th Day). 2 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs


stephanie said...

The last part of End Of Days when Arnold breaks down and starts praying is such a tear jerker- I'd probably give it another 1/2 jiggly pec for that scene alone.

Andre said...


I don't even remember that scene.

stephanie said...

I'm just a softy for Arnie's soft side