Holiday Post #6: The Films (part 1?)

Last year we watched White Christmas & Holiday Inn. Both are fun as Hell, but they both suck ass as far as plot & character development are concerned. Funnier, but just as shitty was last night's viewing of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I know there are some readers of this blog who love the shit out of this film... & there is a lot of it to love, but I just don't get it. The 1st 2 Vacation movies are great, but this never did it for me. I saw it in the theater when it was new w/ my friends Marques & Melanie (I don't recall them liking it either), but I hadn't seen it since. I left the theater in December of 1989 wishing I could get my 5 bucks back. Then the other night, an ad made me laugh so I recorded it & we watched it. It's got it funny moments, but over-all, it doesn't work. The jokes are re-hashed from the 1st movie, & they really seem forced. The plot kept us asking "why doesn't he just...?" I mean, come on... trying to get ahead of the crazy pick-up truck? Staying stuck in the attic after he fell through once? The light switch? Maybe it'll be another 20 years before I go for it again. I bet the kids would like it though. (Stephanie appreciated the 3 Stooges-esque violence though.)Speaking of the kids, we watched a couple movies w/ them this week. Jingle All the Way, which is miles much better than Christmas Vacation. Of course, we watched it over the summer too as part of the Schwarzeneggerathon. Sinbad is as bad as I imagine Sinbad always is, but Arnold's comic timing is quite good. other than A different world, I don't think I've ever seen anything w/ Sinbad, & judging from his performances in Jingle All the Way & A Different World, that is a fine decision.We also had the 1st viewing of A Christmas Story. I saw it in the theater @ Fairlane Town Center when I was 9, & have loved it ever since. There's not much to say since we've all seen it a million times. I can say this about movies @ Fairlane though: as a child, I went there a few time a year. I saw Flash Gordon, Clash of the Titans, The Black Stallion, Santa Clause: The Movie, Ghostbusters, & A View to a Kill there. I've watched most of these recently, & for the most part, they hold up well. I had the same experience w/ Santa Clause: The Movie that I had w/ Christmas Vacation though. I was 11 years old & wanted my parents to get their money back. Also like Christmas Vacation, I've only seen it once since. Why was Dudley Moore famous?Last week, we watched the George C. Scott Christmas Carol. I haven't seen the Alastair Sim version in years, so my comparison is a bit flawed, but I really like the George C. Scott version a lot. I watched it on TV when it was new & it scared the shit out of me. We also had to read the script in my 7th grade English class (we also read a script for Murder She Wrote... I still don't know why), & it had a picture of the Ghost of Christmas Present w/ his robe open & the two creepy kids (Ignorance & Want) inside. That freaked me out then too. I like the Patrick Stewart version as well... & Mickey's Christmas Carol is a good animated one, but I think I'll have to check out the Alister Sim 1 if it's on this year.If we watch anything else, you can bet on it getting a post & I'll be sure to write about the television specials we watch this year too. & you need to do your part & scroll down to vote in the Visions of Ypsi Celebrity M.I.L.F. of the Year Contest!

Summer of Arnold Post # 6: The Other Stuff / The Wrap Up

Stay Hungry: This came out in 1976 & works as a nice precursor to Smokey & the Bandit. It's about some Good ol' Boys in Alabama who attempt to take over a gym in order to build a sky-rise. We get Sally Field preparing for her role (& her roll) w/ Renyolds... but in this 1 we actually get Sally-skin. If nothing else, it was worth it for that. She works @ the gym where Arnold is preparing for the Mr. Universe contest & Jeff Bridges is the investor who is supposed to buy them out but falls in love w/ Fields instead. It's actually a decent film, But Arnold doesn't do much other than flex & oil up. It's not fantastic though... obviously. It's really only for the Sally Fields or Schwarzenegger completist. 2 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Batman & Robin: It's hard to come up w/ an original comment about this film. What else can be said after 12 years of complaints. It sucks, but if we focus on Arnold, we see he actually puts in a decent performance as Mr. Freeze. From beginning to end, nothing really works, but Aiden liked it & as a family, we only have 1 more of the 4 80s/90s Batmans to watch... The 1 w/ Danny DeVito! 1 1/2 Jiggly PecsAround the World in 80 Days: This is the 3rd version of this I've seen. The Pierce Brosnan version from 1989 is actually really good. Of course the David Niven version from 1956 won an Best Picture Oscar. This Jackie Chan version is winning no Oscars, but it's fun for the whole family. The changes to the story work well, but take away from the whole comment on British Imperialism that is so important in the book & earlier films. Arnold's cameo is only about 5 minutes long; he plays a Prince in Istanbul who tries to marry Phileas Fogg's love interest. Wackiness ensues, Jackie Chan flies through the air, & we're on to the next seen. 2 1/2 Jiggly Pecs

So ends our Schwarzeneger-a-thon. was it fun? Yes. Did I learn anything? Not really. Would I do it again? Only in chronological order. Will I be purchasing the Terminator films soon? Hell Yeah! we already watched the 1st 2 again & I loved them even more the 2nd time. I'm still a littl ebaffled by the fact that no one ever sat me down & made me watch them before.

Summer of Arnold Post #5: The Action

Commando: I loved it when I was a kid, & it sort of holds up still. I say sort of because, while it is certainly junk, the pacing is good which keeps it moving along, plus we get Rae Dawn Chong. With The Terminator, the Arnold franchise learned they needed ridiculous one liners to help the films stick in our collective hearts & this went to the wall w/ them. Along w/ the one liners, we get Arnold jumping out of an airliner, carrying a tree over his shoulder, & killing people w/ circular saw blades. 3 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Raw Deal: The viewers get the real raw deal. It's like a bad Rockford Files rip-off, w/ a smaller budget. Not even Darren McGavin could save this clunker. This blows - 'nuf said. 1 out of 5 jiggly pecs

True Lies: Unlike Stallone, when Arnold teams up w/ James Cameron the results are fantastic... & this is 1 of those team-ups. Like the old Brave & the Bold comics (& sort of like the new cartoon) the viewer always/already knows the pairing will work. Jamie Lee Curtis is great. Even Tom Arnold is good. I'd never seen this before, but I'll definitely give it another go when it's on TV & I happen upon it. 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Eraser: Like Raw Deal, this involves mafia. Unlike Raw Deal, this 1 basically works. Arnold plays an agent who fakes the death of high-profile witnesses, but then gets involved in 1 of the cases a little to deeply, @ which point he teams up w/ dock workers/union guys/mafia thugs to fight terrorist/gun runners. As in Commando, he falls from an airplane, but to even better effect. 3 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Collateral Damage: Like Predator, he goes to Latin America to fight bad guys. He's a fire-fighter fighting terrorists after 9-11 which says a lot about the movie, but it's better than it sounds. It's another film which shows the US Military as just as shady & murderous as the "bad guys." There isn't the flag waving that I expected, & we see another instance of Arnold's schizophrenic politics. 3 out of 5 jiggly pecs.

Summer of Arnold Post #4: The Sci/Fi

The Terminator: We got our Dish Network hooked up the other day, I went to work, & when I got home, Stephanie told me she'd recorded this again. Even she loved it. I'm still shocked I hadn't seen these before. It's got everything I want in a Sci/Fi film except a theme song by GnR. 4 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Predator: I hadn't seen this since I was in high school. I loved it when I was a kid, & it basically holds up. there are clearly some holes in the plot, but the effects are cool & the location filming is great. Things I didn't remember include how long the other characters live. I remembered them dying off quickly, but he's only really on his own for a little while. I'd also forgotten about the woman they bring back. I'd like to know her story & how they explain what happened. Finally, the shady Special Ops people are interesting. Not necessarily the characters, but the shadiness. We have a case of an Arnold movie where they paint the US military as lying, coercive bastards. That's how I've always viewed them, but it doesn't seem to jive w/ Arnold's views... unless you watch all of him films, in which case we start to see an interesting pattern. 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Running Man: The costumes are ridiculous, the plot is ridiculous, the gov't set-up of a good cop is believable... but supposedly in contrast to Arnold's beliefs, & Maria Conchita Alonso couldn't act her way out of Red Sonja or and Arnold comedy... bt the movie works none-the-less. We both liked it. Plus, it's the 2nd appearance of Jesse the Body. 3 1/2 jiggly pecs... + 1/2 for Richard "Cpl. Peter Newkirk" Dawson = 4 jiggly pecs

Total Recall: It's a stinker. I loved it 20 years ago, but it doesn't hold up. The blurred line between fantasy & reality is still cool, but the movie blows. The sets are cheap, the acting is weak, & the effects & not as neat as they should be. 2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Terminator 2: Judgement Day: It's got everything The terminator has plus better effects & the GnR song. 5 out of 5 jiggly pecs

The 6th Day: The marketing dudes got together & decided the only way to top fighting Satan was fighting himself... which says a lot about Satan & Arnold. It kind of sucks though & was clearly written by a committee. 2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines: Arnold is looking old & haggard, but the film is better than a lot of people seem to think. I would even go so far as to suggest that this may be Claire Danes' best film (@ least out of the ones I've seen). We haven't seen the new Terminator film, but of the 3 we've seen it's the worst... still pretty good though. (Side-bar: we watched the 1st season of The Sarah Connor Chronicles recently & I'm dying to see the 2nd. I wish they'd bring it back for a 3rd.) 3 3/4 jiggly pecs

Summer of Arnold Post #3: The Fantasies

*Hercules in New York: If you're like me, you never actually attempted to sit through this thing until recently. The stand out scene involves Hercules wrestling a bear in Central Park & the bear is clearly just a dude in a bear costume. I'm sure Arnold had plenty of experience w/ furries before this film so he was able to pull on that going in, plus he was then able to claim all the previous experience as some sort of Stanislovski preparation for this movie. Don't watch this unless you have a lot of time to kill. It's only about 80 minutes, but it feels like a lifetime. 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs... unless you've seen it a million times over the last 30 years; in which case, 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Conan the Barbarian: The 1st of his 3 "Sword & Sorcery" films based on the stories of Robert E. Howard, most people like this 1 the most. The bad guy is played by James Earl Jones, which was a bit of downgrade after The Empire Strikes Back, & the good king is played by Max Von Sydow, an interesting finale to his early '80s triumvirate which also includes Flash Gordon & Victory. Certainly worth another viewing... but Stephanie hated it. 2 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Conan the Destroyer: The fact that I like this 1 more than Barbarian puts me in a small minority, but it is hat it is. The cast is fantastically awful, & ironically Wilt Chamberlain gets to protect the sanctity of the virgin. I imagine he actually banged everyone on set... including the horses & the llama... & that horned God thing. An awesomely awesome flick. 3 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Red Sonja: Steeling a move from the Indiana Jones Playbook, Arnold is teamed up w/ a kid, but Ernie Reyes Jr. is certainly no Jonathan Ke Quan. I kind of liked this when I was a kid, but it blows. Skip it & check out the recent comic book instead. 1 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*End of Days: This film has 2 good qualities: Gabriel Byrne is a good Satan & Arnold's character's name is pretty good... Jericho Cane. Other than that, it's pretty fun, but the gaping holes in the plot are endless. As a side-note, this is the first film we've covered so far to come straight out of a marketing meeting. And the meeting went thusly:
Marketing Dude #1: "Who can we get Arnold to fight?"
Marketing Dude #2: "Satan?"
MD1: "Cool!"
These are the same dudes who came up w/ Arnold v Los Angeles (The Terminator), Arnold v a Space Alien(Predator), & Arnold v himself (The 6th Day). 2 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Summer of Arnold Post #2: The Comedies

*Red Heat
Admittedly, calling this a comedy is a bit of a stretch, but it attempts to fit into the mold of Beverly Hills Cop & Lethal Weapon. However, James Belushi never tries to be as funny as Eddie Murphy, & Arnold is certainly no Danny Glover. Overall, it works well though. It's 1 of the 2 I skipped when I was young, but I'm glad I saw it. Not only is it a solid film, but Arnold, as the Soviet cop, gets to enlighten Belushi's benighted dufus about the importance of friendship & openmindedness. 3 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pectorals
*Twins
My favorite of the comedies, Twins pairs Arnold w/ Danny DeVito for the 1st of 3 winning films. I was thinking about DeVito & realized that I've never seen a Danny DeVito film I don't like. Maybe next year we'll have a summer of Danny... we've already seen 4 this summer (along w/ the Arnold's, we watched Romancing the Stone w/ the kids), Aiden is already dieing for a viewing of Batman Returns, & I'd get to watch Johnny Dangerously again. Anyway, the chemistry between the 2 is strong, & the ridiculous premise works well... much better than when they revived it years later w/ Junior. 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Kindergarten Cop
We watched this 1 twice, once by ourselves & then later w/ the kids. We liked it & so did Solstice & Aiden. Plus, we get our 1st & 2nd Schwartze-quips on the list. Of course, "It's not a tum-mah" is good & has been a favorite of mine for years, but I realized there's a better 1: "I'm the pah-rty poopah" is just fantastic. 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*The Last Action Hero
This post-modern action-comedy starts strong but fails miserably by the final act. DeVto provides the voice of Whiskers the Cat, & the long train of cameos is clever, but the kid isn't good enough to hold the comedy together, & the self-referential film w/in a film is sort of forgotten after 15 minutes of decent comedy. The other problem is that it takes a while to get going. Those 15 minutes of decent comedy are actually the 2nd 15 minutes of the film. 2 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Junior
Again, Arnold teams w/ Danny DeVito in an homage to Frankenstien, & again it works pretty well... not reall well, but pretty well, & certainly not as well as Twins. Once the disbelief is properly suspended, we get to enjoy Emma Thompson who is always good. The role-reversial is fun, but we made the mistake of watching it w/o the kids. I'll have to see it again w/ them because they'll like it more than me. 3 out of 5 jiggly pecs
*Jingle All the Way
One we didn't forget to watch w/ the kids; it teams Arnold w/ Sinbad & a young Anakin Skywalker plus we get a cameo from Jim Belushi as the mafia santa selling shoddy toys to yuppie parents. Complete w/ dwarf tossing, this goes beyond the other comedies in an attempt to reach a dumbed down audience & it works in spades. Solstice wants to make it a X-Mas tradition. 3 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Hercules in New York...

The dubbed version w/ a messed up sound track. Enjoy!