Crotchety Old Fucks

I just got home from dropping my daughter off @ her school where I had my first ever extended encounter w/ the school's librarian. I've heard all the stories about this woman before: she's a racist, she treats kids from poor households like shit, she made a new kid in my daughter's class piss his pants last year... but I've never experienced her wrath in person. Well, she's running a "book exchange" where kids bring in their old books and get coupons in order to pick out books brought in by other kids. On the surface, this seems like a great idea. @ least it seems like a great idea until this librarian gets involved. My daughter & I walk in this morning w/ a large bag of books and the crotchety old bitch (TCOB) asks her if she remembered to bring her library book back today. My daughter says she didn't have one out to which TCOB says, "Now remember, we talked about this yesterday. You have to bring your book back today or you can't participate in the 'book exchange.'" I asked my daughter what book she had out & she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders w/ a confused look on her face. TCOB then said, "Shrugging your shoulders is nice, but it doesn't show me you're being responsible and keeping track of your library book." @ this point I can see the tears welling up in my daughter's eyes so I asked what book she was missing, suggesting that I could go get it. TCOB walks me over to her desk where she then proceeded to help 2 other people while I waited, all the while my daughter is now full on crying. She looks at her and says, "Now Emily, you know we talked about this yesterday." "What did you just call her?" I asked, and then she realized she had her confused w/ another girl in her class. TCOB apologized to me and I, all up in her face, yelled, don't apologize to me, look at her! Go apologize to my daughter!"She walked over to her, quickly gave a 1/2 hearted apology & then returned to me saying, "I'm sorry, my father died 2 days ago, & I shouldn't even be here today." @ this point, do you think I let it go? Fuck no! I said, "I heard that you had a death in the family, & I'm truly sorry about that, but even when your father dies, you should never take it out on an innocent little kid. I think it's pretty clear that you shouldn't be here today; acting like this to my daughter is outrageous. In fact, how could you forget who she is? My ex-wife is here every week volunteering in order to shield the kids from your behavior. She's one of the few kids you shouldn't be able to forget. Furthermore, if this really was due to your father's death, I suppose some sort of leeway could be given, but from what I've heard, this is just your M.O. Again, I'm sorry your father passed away, but maybe you really shouldn't be here this week then." She said, "If I wasn't here, none of this would get done & we wouldn't have a book exchange at all." I shot back, "I'm sure anyone w/ an 8th grade education could come in here and make little kids cry over things they didn't do. You're not irreplaceable!"

In other Crotchety Old News, Jerry Falwell died yesterday. I don't think he is TCOB's father, but I suppose it wouldn't surprise me. side from founding the Moral Majority and being partially responsible for the election of Reagan and a bunch of evangelical congressmen, he is also responsible for a slew of fantastic sound-bites. In honor of that great man, I'll give you a few of them right now (w/ a little commentary, of course):

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
---Sermon on July 4, 1976
(The obvious response concerns countries where religion and politics are completely intertwined, including Medieval Europe and the current Middle East. I have a hard tie believing he'd support those examples)

“If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”
(What about people who were raised Evangelical throughout their whole lives? They don't need to be born again; they were on board the first time.)

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
--- Jerry Falwell, 1979
(I suppose, non-Christian schools wouldn't count? Furthermore, in the days before public education, only about 5% of the population was educated and literate. W/o literacy, how would all those people read the Bible? I suppose they could just ask the Moral Majority what to believe.)

"You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President—chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
--- Jerry Falwell (Oct 24 2004)
(Hell Yes! I'm w/ him on this one: Blow them away in the name of the Lord!)

“And the fact that John Kerry would not support a federal marriage amendment prohibiting gay marriage, equates in our minds as someone 150 years ago saying I'm personally opposed to slavery, but if my neighbor wants to own one or two that's OK. We don't buy that."
--- Jerry Falwell (Nov 3, 2004)
(Here we have your run-of-the-mill "argument from analogy." Of course it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but did Kerry ever even claim he was personally opposed to homosexuality? I find that hard to believe.)

"I listen to feminists and all these radical gals... These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men; that's their problem."
--- Jerry Falwell
(If it's their problem, I don't see why he needed to comment on this at all. Now in defense of Feminists, I was, believe it or not, told what time it was yesterday by two different feminists on 2 different occasions.)

“AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh’s charioteers. “
--- Jerry Falwell
(Another "argument from analogy" that makes no sense. Of course, we've heard this before & I kind of like it. When we consider the advancements that have already been made in AIDS research and the fact that the super-rich like Magic Johnson have basically beaten the disease, it seems like a cure is inevitable. That doesn't mean that it's right around the corner, nor does it mean that everyone will have immediate access to it, but if AIDS is the wrath of God and we can stop it, that suggests that God isn't omnipotent. Shouldn't God's wrath be unstoppable?)

“You'll be riding along in an automobile. You'll be the driver perhaps. You're a Christian. There'll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away - you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes.... Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on ... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the driver’s wheel.”
--- Jerry Falwell
(I saw a bumper sticker once that said, "In case of rapture, this car will be un-manned. I always thought it was funny. Now I know where it came from and I think it's even funnier.)

Here he is, just before hitting a ball out of the park, Babe-Ruth style

Here he is demonstrating the girth of his enormous horse-cock

Well, I hope you enjoyed those fun quotes as much as I did. And may that Crotchety old fuck rest in peace... I can't imagine he ever even found out that the last laugh was really on him.