Pirate Week Post #4 (Swashbucklers part 2)

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back 1980*: The second of the Star Wars films and the second sci/fi film on my list
Zorro the Gay Blade 1981: A fun little spoof with a gay Zorro
The Pirate Movie 1982: A shit-ass musical about pirates
Yellowbeard 1983: A not so funny spoof w/ some Pythons
The Meaning of Life 1983*: A funny as hell movie where the Pythons portray some accountants as pirates at war w/ other accountants.
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi 1983*: #3
Ice Pirates 1984: Space age pirates doing space age stuff.
The Goonies 1985*: Awesome!
Summer Rental 1985: John Candy teams up w/ a pirate/ seafood restaurant owner while on vacation in FLA.
The Princess Bride 1987*: A pirate and a princess fight a 6 fingered man and a total douchebag. It reunited Christopher Guest w/ Rob Reiner after their triumph w/ This is Spinal Tap.
Treasure Island 1990: Charleton Hesten as Long John Silver... from his cold, dead wooden leg.
Hook 1991: An interesting update to the Peter Pan story.
The Three Musketeers 1993*: The best version of this story featuring Tim Curry as the Cardinal played just like he played Frank-N-Furter.
Cutthroat Island 1995: An odd but not so good feminist update of the Captain Blood story.
Muppet Treasure Island 1996*: The only puppet based film on the list.
The Man in the Iron Mask 1998: The Musketeers are great but DiCaprio's job may be his worst ever.
The Mask of Zorro 1998*: The best Zorro movie ever, and it features Catherine Zeta Jones so it's got that going for it too.
Star Wars: The Phantom Menace 1999*: Important in terms of the saga, but kind of shitty.
The Count of Monte Cristo 2002: A really good remake w/ the guy who played Jesus in The Passion of the Christ.
Star Wars: Attack of the Clones 2002*: One of my favorites in the saga.
Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl 2003*: The main reason a list like this is necessary.
Mickey and the The Three Musketeers 2004: I'm not proud of this one... Mickey, Donald and Goofy as the musketeers.
The Legend of Zorro 2005: A shitty sequel to a really good movie.
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith 2005*: Action, action, action with great sword fights.
Pirates 2006: The only XXX movie on the list. Janine is as hot as ever... and so are the sex scenes.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest 2006*: A nice cliffhanger to bridge the story w/ the third film.
Pirates of the Caribbean: A World’s End 2007: See my review below.

Pirate Week Post #3: Swashbucklers (part 1)

This is by no means a list of all swashbucklers, just a comprehensive list of the ones I've seen. For our purposes, we're limiting the list to films that include sword fights, but not medieval sword fights so Braveheart and the many Robin Hood films etc. aren't included. Furthermore, I'm not including sea movies that don't deal w/ pirates like Master and Commander or Moby Dick. There are a few films you, gentle reader, might find fault in, but I'll explain them as we go through.

Captain Blood 1935*: While not the first pirate film, this one set the standard for all to follow. Errol Flynn in his defining role.
The Mark of Zorro 1940*: The first, but not the last, non-pirate movie on the list. It's interesting to watch Tyrone Power try to be Errol Flynn and fail miserably.
The Sea Hawk 1940*: Interestingly, many of the action scenes from Captain Blood were spliced in here to add to the excitement
The Son of Monte Cristo 1941: Not at all a very good movie.
The Black Swan 1942: I saw it a few years ago but I don't remember much.
Captain Kidd 1945*: Charles Laughton as an over the hill Captain Kidd... interesting but not fantastic.
The Three Musketeers 1948: A fantastic Gene Kelly vehicle where he was able to use his dance choreography to orchestrate the fight scenes
The Pirates of Capri 1949 An early spaghetti swashbuckler that isn't worth seeing.
Treasure Island 1950*: Disney's first pirate film which lead to the development of the "Pirates of the Caribbean" attraction at Disney World which in turn lead to the creation of the recent Johnny Depp films which in turn created the recent pirate buzz which in turn makes it important to construct a list like this so you, gentle reader, can get a little background in the swashbuckler genre.
The Crimson Pirate 1952: Burt Lancaster and some circus freak made this as thinly vieled leftist propaganda. It's a fun little movie too w/ some silly fight scenes. Also, the scene where Lancaster and his circus budy overturn a longboat and create an air pocket so they can move around underwater was used in The Curse of the Black Pearl when Jack and Will commandeer the Interceptor.
Against all flags 1952: Not a very good Errol Flynn film.
Peter Pan 1953*: The first animater film on the list.
The Master of Ballantrae 1954*: Errol Flynn's final pirate movie
Long John Silver’s Return 1954*: An atrocious sequal to a great film.
Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea 1954: Kirk Douglass gets to sing the song "A Whale of a Tale" and they fight a huge octopus... obviously influencial on Dead Man's Chest.
Davy Crockett and the River Pirates 1956*: Admittedly, a bit of a stretch, but Davy and Mike Fink team up to fight pirates on the old Mississippi.
The Swiss Family Robinson 1960: Tree forts and pirates... what else could one ask for?
Pirates of Tortuga 1961*: ehh.
A High Wind From Jamaica 1965*: ehh... again.
Blackbeard’s Ghost 1968: I saw this when I was 6 at the Disney World camp ground and my mom was preggers w/ my brother. I have no recollection at all.
The Three Musketeers 1973: A very close adaptation of the first half of the novel w/ Richard Chamberlain as Aramis, Peter York as D'Artagnan, Christopher Lee as Rochefort, and Charleton Heston as Cardinal Richelieu. It was finished w/ The Four Musketeers a year later.
Zorro 1975*: Another spaghetti swashbuckler. It's interesting, but it's pacing is really slow.
The Count of Monte Cristo 1975: Another Richard Chamberlain Dumas film
Swashbuckler 1976: A fun movie w/ Robert Shaw and James Earl Jones... he made this while also doing the voice for Darth Vader.
The Man in the Iron Mask 1977: The final Richard Chamberlain Dumas film
Star Wars: A New Hope 1977*: The first of the sci/fi films on the list and equal to Captain Blood in terms of influence and importance.

The second half of the list will come tomorrow.

Pirate Week (Post #2)

On Saturday, I picked up my brother and we met our parents at Laurel Park for lunch and a matinee. After a Three Cheese Olga, some Snackers and some Curley Fries, we saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Aside from the wait-staff who couldn't stop using the phrase "No problem," the lunch was Olgariffic. "Can I get a glass of water when you have a chance?" "No problem!" I know it's no problem; bringing water is probably the easiest part of the job. It was like we were trapped in an episode of ALF. Not only was our server saying it constantly, but the hostess said it and the guy who helped bring the food to the table used that line too. I'm sure this doesn't come as a huge surprise, but my brother and I then proceeded to give the wait-staff as much shit about their little catch-phrase as possible. It also probably comes as no surprise that I really liked the movie. Of course, I'm in the minority who actually like Dead Man's Chest. It picks up basically where Dead Man's Chest left off, but I spent the first 15 minutes w/out a clue as to what was happening. However, once I got that under control, it came together nicely. As they rescued Jack from Davy Jones' Locker / Purgatory, there were some fun references to Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead, with the fucked up illogic of the after-life. Keith Richards is also pretty fun as Jack's dad. His part is small (in fact it was probably filmed in a day or two), but he even gets to sit in the background and play guitar a little bit. He had some sort of fake nose which made him completely unrecognisable to my brother. Or maybe it was his intelligible speech that threw him off... or the fact that he didn't look dead. I guess those make-up people really can work miracles. Other aspects of the film include the fact that Keira Knightley Finally looks old enough for her part, the fantastic cinematography, and the great fight scenes. In fact in one of the fights, Johnny Depp gets to slide down a sail with his knife stuck in it like Errol Flynn in Captain Blood (and like Sloth in The Goonies). The little reference was nice after the little nod to that film in The Curse of the Black Pearl when Orlando Bloom Stood on the side of the boat just like this. I'm a sucker for homages and intertextuality. I could have gone for a baby carriage disaster too or maybe the timpani roll from Lawrence of Arabia when Jack was in the desert in Purgatory, but, alas, it was not to be. I suppose it could have also used a shot of Keira Knightley's tits, but then again, what movie wouldn't be enhanced buy such a scene? This concludes Post #2 of Pirate Week. Be sure to check back for more pirate fun and games through Friday here at Visions of Ypsi.

Live Music, Written Words and a Bunch of Pirates

I should've know yesterday would turn out pretty well when I was volunteering @ my son's field day & his friend's mom, quite the MILF, was there too. His friend was freaking out for a minute and pulling on his mom's shirt at which point her left tit popped out. A random tit shot like that always ushers in a good day (not to mention, none of my friends got shot in South Central LA). Last night, Stacey & I went to the Ark last night to see Blanche, a really cool, indescribable Detroit group. They're lead by Dan John Miller, formerly of Goober and the Peas. He has a weird David Byrne meets Bob Wills feel to him, & he seems pretty cool, despite that fact that he was drinking Rolling Rock Light. (I didn't even know such a useless beer existed.) They play a really strange mix of country, rock, rockabilly and goth weirdness. They play vintage instruments and most of them wear cool country suits... except the bass player who wears these vintage dresses she apparently reworks to add a spookiness to them. For instance, last night she was wearing an old wedding dress to which she'd added black lace and ribbons. She had also, apparently, dropped a little too much acid because during a couple of her songs she just kept laughing and was completely unable to sing. It was cool though, & even the sound problems during the encore didn't bother me. (The band seemed to be pretty pissed off by them though.) Before they came out, two other local groups opened for them: Jawbone and Sunshine Doray. The latter featured a woman on drums & a woman on piano and they were really cool. Goofy lyrics and an oldtimey, ragtime sound. They even covered "Whiskey Bar" w/ the original Kurt Weill/Bertolt Brecht setting (rather than The Doors ridiculous rock version) from The Threepenny Opera. The former, Jawbone, is a one-man-band from Ferndale. He seemed to really get the crowd going, but I wasn't very impressed. I've always felt that you're not a true one-man-band until you have a horn strapped to your neck and some cymbals between your legs. He had neither. What he did have was a rather repetitive song selection & a poor vocal mix. My other issue w/ him was that he sounded like the White Stripes. Stacey liked that about him, but I've never been a fan. Part of the issue, I think, was that his drumming, as he only used his feet, was simple and boring... not unlike what's her name from the White Stripes. All-in-all we had a great time though (aside from lunch-box who was sitting next to us & had to walk passed us every few minutes and step on my toes. After the show, we hit Leggs Lounge where we had a nice long conversation w/ a pretty cute stripper who had a really cool tattoo above her who-ha. It was a Gloria Steinem quote: "Men are taught to celebrate their strengths, women to apologize for theirs." I don't know if I buy it completely, but it's cool none-the-less.
In book news, I've been reading Searching for the Sound, Phil Lesh's autobiography. It came out a few years ago, but @ the time I thought, "The last thing I need is another book about the Dead." It turns out (mark your calenders) I was wrong. I found it at Borders for 5 bucks and have been tearing through it this week. He spends a lot of time discussing his influences in jazz & classical; it's like a crash course in Western music. He also spends a lot of time relating crazy drug stories which always make me think, "It's been 15 years; maybe I should try some acid again." (Mark your calenders again... 2 wrongs in one post.)
Finally, it's PIRATE WEEK here at Visions of Ypsi. I watched Dead Man's Chest again the other day in preperation for seeing At World's End today. I'm going w/ my Dad and my Brother, but 1st we're hitting Olga's for some lunch. I smell another good day. Be sure to check back all week for more pirate info including a list of Swashbucklers you need to see & some memories about my first time on the ride at Disneyworld when I was a kid.

Killer of Fish

My brother went to Kobe, Japan for a week & a half a couple weeks ago to spend time w/ a lovely lady he knows & also just to see the sights. He also went to the Holocaust Museum in Hiroshima, which, as it turns out, is a place to which he would never go back. He said it was the most horrific experience of his life. Check out the link though. You can watch a little anime video about a kid who died in the bombing. So that's pretty sweet. While he was gone, I spent the week feeding his fish & his cats, Smokey & the Bandit. That went fine & he then trusted me to do the same when he was out of town for work last week... big mistake.

When he came home, he talked up the trip to my sister and her husband, & now they are moving to Japan for a year to teach English. That should be pretty cool for them. the program through which they're going in connected w/ the school where she just finished subbing & so this will keep her in the district until next year when the main art teacher retires. "Why is an art teacher teaching English?" you ask: because she's allowed to in this ESL program, that's why. They'll get a place to stay and all of their basics taken care of so they'll be nicely set for the next year. I lose them from my soccer team though, so that kinda sucks.

In the wake of all of this, my brother had to go out of town for business last week and I again took care of his animals. But this time I "took care of them" in the mafia sense of the phrase.The filter on his fish tank stopped working and at least three fish died. Every time I stopped by there was another sinker &/or floater to deal w/. I'm surprised more didn't die due to the deathly fish that were in the water. I feel horrible about it, but at least Jackie Gleason and Burt Reynolds made it through alright. And due to the circumstances under which they died, I'm going to keep on blaming the filter.

Dunegrass

Attn:
All of you who are thinking of going to Dunegrass

I was talking about it w/ Stacey the other day and it seemed like an open discussion would be a good idea. What days are you all planning to go? Is anyone thinking that all 4 would be a good idea? I'm personally planning to go Friday and Saturday and then to take the kids camping in Petoskey on Sunday night. If you get the Fri/Sat/Sun tix, Thurs is free, but Thurs is looking a bit low-key. As of right now, it sounds like Dawn, Shannon, Nikki, Stacey, Warren and Georgina all plan to go so I was thinking organizing some car-pooling might be a good idea. From what I understand, Dawn isn't planning to bring her son, but everyone else is bringing kids (other than Shannon, obviously).

Here's an overview of the sweet, sweet line-up:
Dark Star Orchestra
Particle
Yonder Mountain String Band
Keller Williams
David Grisman Quintet
Railroad Earth
Peter Rowan Crucial Reggae
Martin Sexton
Great American Taxi
Greensky Bluegrass
Steppin' In It
Rootstand
Back Forty
Grievous Angel

Here's a link to their myspace page too.

Crotchety Old Fucks

I just got home from dropping my daughter off @ her school where I had my first ever extended encounter w/ the school's librarian. I've heard all the stories about this woman before: she's a racist, she treats kids from poor households like shit, she made a new kid in my daughter's class piss his pants last year... but I've never experienced her wrath in person. Well, she's running a "book exchange" where kids bring in their old books and get coupons in order to pick out books brought in by other kids. On the surface, this seems like a great idea. @ least it seems like a great idea until this librarian gets involved. My daughter & I walk in this morning w/ a large bag of books and the crotchety old bitch (TCOB) asks her if she remembered to bring her library book back today. My daughter says she didn't have one out to which TCOB says, "Now remember, we talked about this yesterday. You have to bring your book back today or you can't participate in the 'book exchange.'" I asked my daughter what book she had out & she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders w/ a confused look on her face. TCOB then said, "Shrugging your shoulders is nice, but it doesn't show me you're being responsible and keeping track of your library book." @ this point I can see the tears welling up in my daughter's eyes so I asked what book she was missing, suggesting that I could go get it. TCOB walks me over to her desk where she then proceeded to help 2 other people while I waited, all the while my daughter is now full on crying. She looks at her and says, "Now Emily, you know we talked about this yesterday." "What did you just call her?" I asked, and then she realized she had her confused w/ another girl in her class. TCOB apologized to me and I, all up in her face, yelled, don't apologize to me, look at her! Go apologize to my daughter!"She walked over to her, quickly gave a 1/2 hearted apology & then returned to me saying, "I'm sorry, my father died 2 days ago, & I shouldn't even be here today." @ this point, do you think I let it go? Fuck no! I said, "I heard that you had a death in the family, & I'm truly sorry about that, but even when your father dies, you should never take it out on an innocent little kid. I think it's pretty clear that you shouldn't be here today; acting like this to my daughter is outrageous. In fact, how could you forget who she is? My ex-wife is here every week volunteering in order to shield the kids from your behavior. She's one of the few kids you shouldn't be able to forget. Furthermore, if this really was due to your father's death, I suppose some sort of leeway could be given, but from what I've heard, this is just your M.O. Again, I'm sorry your father passed away, but maybe you really shouldn't be here this week then." She said, "If I wasn't here, none of this would get done & we wouldn't have a book exchange at all." I shot back, "I'm sure anyone w/ an 8th grade education could come in here and make little kids cry over things they didn't do. You're not irreplaceable!"

In other Crotchety Old News, Jerry Falwell died yesterday. I don't think he is TCOB's father, but I suppose it wouldn't surprise me. side from founding the Moral Majority and being partially responsible for the election of Reagan and a bunch of evangelical congressmen, he is also responsible for a slew of fantastic sound-bites. In honor of that great man, I'll give you a few of them right now (w/ a little commentary, of course):

"The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country."
---Sermon on July 4, 1976
(The obvious response concerns countries where religion and politics are completely intertwined, including Medieval Europe and the current Middle East. I have a hard tie believing he'd support those examples)

“If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.”
(What about people who were raised Evangelical throughout their whole lives? They don't need to be born again; they were on board the first time.)

"I hope I live to see the day when, as in the early days of our country, we won't have any public schools. The churches will have taken them over again and Christians will be running them. What a happy day that will be!"
--- Jerry Falwell, 1979
(I suppose, non-Christian schools wouldn't count? Furthermore, in the days before public education, only about 5% of the population was educated and literate. W/o literacy, how would all those people read the Bible? I suppose they could just ask the Moral Majority what to believe.)

"You've got to kill the terrorists before the killing stops and I am for the President—chase them all over the world, if it takes ten years, blow them all away in the name of the Lord."
--- Jerry Falwell (Oct 24 2004)
(Hell Yes! I'm w/ him on this one: Blow them away in the name of the Lord!)

“And the fact that John Kerry would not support a federal marriage amendment prohibiting gay marriage, equates in our minds as someone 150 years ago saying I'm personally opposed to slavery, but if my neighbor wants to own one or two that's OK. We don't buy that."
--- Jerry Falwell (Nov 3, 2004)
(Here we have your run-of-the-mill "argument from analogy." Of course it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but did Kerry ever even claim he was personally opposed to homosexuality? I find that hard to believe.)

"I listen to feminists and all these radical gals... These women just need a man in the house. That's all they need. Most of the feminists need a man to tell them what time of day it is and to lead them home. And they blew it and they're mad at all men. Feminists hate men. They're sexist. They hate men; that's their problem."
--- Jerry Falwell
(If it's their problem, I don't see why he needed to comment on this at all. Now in defense of Feminists, I was, believe it or not, told what time it was yesterday by two different feminists on 2 different occasions.)

“AIDS is the wrath of a just God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh’s charioteers. “
--- Jerry Falwell
(Another "argument from analogy" that makes no sense. Of course, we've heard this before & I kind of like it. When we consider the advancements that have already been made in AIDS research and the fact that the super-rich like Magic Johnson have basically beaten the disease, it seems like a cure is inevitable. That doesn't mean that it's right around the corner, nor does it mean that everyone will have immediate access to it, but if AIDS is the wrath of God and we can stop it, that suggests that God isn't omnipotent. Shouldn't God's wrath be unstoppable?)

“You'll be riding along in an automobile. You'll be the driver perhaps. You're a Christian. There'll be several people in the automobile with you, maybe someone who is not a Christian. When the trumpet sounds you and the other born-again believers in that automobile will be instantly caught away - you will disappear, leaving behind only your clothes and physical things that cannot inherit eternal life. That unsaved person or persons in the automobile will suddenly be startled to find the car suddenly somewhere crashes.... Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on ... every highway in the world where Christians are caught away from the driver’s wheel.”
--- Jerry Falwell
(I saw a bumper sticker once that said, "In case of rapture, this car will be un-manned. I always thought it was funny. Now I know where it came from and I think it's even funnier.)

Here he is, just before hitting a ball out of the park, Babe-Ruth style

Here he is demonstrating the girth of his enormous horse-cock

Well, I hope you enjoyed those fun quotes as much as I did. And may that Crotchety old fuck rest in peace... I can't imagine he ever even found out that the last laugh was really on him.

Spring Sing

My son had the kindergarten spring music concert today, The Spring Sing. Afterwards, the principal thanked us all for coming so much... I think she meant to thank us so much for coming, but maybe I missed something. Namely, some sort of hot bukkake action elsewhere in the school. Not only did I miss the rumored facial down the hall, but I nearly missed the entire concert because 2 Tons of Fun sitting next to me wouldn't shut his immense pie-hole the entire time. He sat sideways so as to talk to who I think were his wife and mother-in-law the whole fucking time. Lardo even took a fucking phone call and we were in the 3rd row. The only thing lamer than his actions is the public airing of my grievance on this blog. If you happen to be that sad fat-ass:
FUCK YOU and the family members to whom you were talking the whole time. The fact that you couldn't tell the other parents were getting more and more annoyed as the concert went on only shows your lack of social skills, or the fact that you were just really focused on getting a sandwich afterwards.
The other thing that happened was that my son's class sang "Yankee Doodle Dandy." I only mention this because I'd never really thought about the lyrics before, but young Yankee Doodle is gay. It's even right there in the title yet I've never heard anyone discuss it. As far as I know, that's the only definition of a "dandy." When I asked my ex why he is referred to as a dandy, she asked why he calls a feather a noodle. My only explanation is that he has "noodle" on the brain. Check out this painting by Norman Rockwell; even he seems to portray Yankee Doodle as queer. And to think assholes like George Bush work so hard to keep homosexuals out of the military, all the while, the poster-boy for our patriotic fighting force is, you know... "one of those types."

Tires: Flat & Fat

I kind of thought that after being w/o my car for 8 weeks I’d be able to go a little while w/o a problem, but apparently not. I was leaving to pick up my kids from school today and found a flat tire on the passenger side of my car. To top it off it was pouring rain. I had to lie down in a puddle to change it and it turns out that the jack that comes w/ an Escape seems more useful for the Ford Focus. The Escape it built on the Focus frame, but the focus doesn’t have the running boards which make it nearly impossible to turn the crank of the jack. It took me a fucking hour to change the fucking tire. I finally got it changed, but I don’t have a lot of faith in the spare.
In other tire news, Stacey and Georgina turned me on to Red Tulip the other day. I think they found it @ the Beer Fest last winter. In fact, it’s possible that I tried it there too, but I tried a lot that day so remembering one is a bit much to expect of me. It has a nice caramel-Tootsie Roll taste like Fat Tire Amber, & I hadn’t had Fat Tire since a Dead show in Columbus a few years ago. It’s a fantastic find. I wish the Fat Tire was available in the Mid-West, but for now it’s nice to have a similar local beer.

World Naked Gardening Day

I've been working in the yard a lot lately and actually got around to planting my garden this week. I also re-seeded the backyard and planted a bunch of new flowers in back. Today, though, is the day to really get out there. It's "World Naked Gardening Day!" Take off your clothes and enjoy the feeling of the breeze blowing through all of the hairs on your body. I haven't done it yet, but I imagine I'll be naked before the night is over.

It's Official

To quote Banky Edwards, "Bring on the free hootch!" I don't know how to feel about it all other than just overwhelmed. The last 7 months haven't been hell, but they've been in the vicinity of hell, in the same way that Westland is in the vicinity of Ypsi or Compton is in he vicinity of Beverly Hills. After a half hour w/ my lawyer yesterday though, it all came to a rather abrupt end. It's strange to think that 15 years can be dissolved w/ the stroke of a pen. I met my lawyer @ his office & we walked across the street to the courthouse where we needed to get papers signed and then meet the judge. My lawyer needed a form and asked some lady @ a window who then directed him to a guy at a different window. (The forms are on the wall right next to her.) The guy then sent us back to the first window where the lady then helped us: sadly typical I suppose. From there we went to the courtroom where we waited for the judge for a few minutes & then got the "ALL RISE." I know she was just going through the motions & has to say it, but it was oddly forceful considering there were only 3 of us in the room. We then sat through some other divorce. That 1 was a tele-divorce though: interesting. The woman, the plaintiff, was sworn in over a conference call. Apparently, the guy had left & never been in contact w/ her so it was a rather simple situation. She even got her named changed over the phone. Mine, though obviously not over the phone, was equally simple. I was sworn in, w/o a Bible I might add... I didn't know they don't use them anymore, and w/in 3 minutes I was divorced. I even got in a little networking in the mean time. I told my lawyer about my job as a loan dude & that he should give my # to clients who need to re-fi. He said he definitely would & that he too needs to re-fi soon to overhaul his kitchen. Maybe we can work out a little quid pro quo arrangement. Probably not.

Purified in the waters of Lake Minnetonka

Last night, in a sort of celebratory way, I watched Purple Rain w/ Georgina, Stacey, Laura & for a little while Warren. We ate lots of stinky cheese and drank lots of good local beer while rocking out to Apolonia 6. Apolonia, by the way, is quite the sex shooter! Speaking of rocking out, I nearly rocked out w/ my cock out the other day in class. I lectured for an hour and then went to the restroom to realized my zipper had been down the whole time... of course I was commando, but my t-shirt covered the old barn door. Anyway, the celebration was in honor of the fact that my divorce will be final tomorrow. I'm still not sure if it's something to "celebrate," but it was definitely worth marking the occasion and mark the occasion we did. It'd been about a year since the last time I saw Purple Rain, but no one else had seen it so recently. (You may recall the review of it from my old blog... but probably not.) For those of you w/ short-term memory loss, I said something to the effect of "It's like Crush Groove w/ style," which I'll still stand behind because it is like Crush Groove w/ style. Aside from the stylized performances, we also seemed to notice the abundance of awkward symbolism throughout the film. @ one point there's a baby-bath tub hanging over his couch & if I remember correctly, it's right as his dad is killing himself. @ another point, he is under a bridge and the graffiti on one side says "love" and on the other side it says "God"... a little foreshadowing of his more recent turn to Jehovah's Witnesses. While watching the movie was the same struggle it always is in that it's not very good &, therefore, hard to sit through, finding a copy was even harder. I went to Hollywood Video and their copy was damaged so I then proceeded to Video Hut... the place around the corner which mainly has porn and their copy of Purple Rain was checked out. Had we planned this more than 18 hours in advance, I'm sure a better solution would have presented itself, but as it stood at 4:30, I decided to go to Borders & buy it. I knew it was only $9.99 so I figured it'd be alright. Unfortunately, they had just sold their last copy. who'd have thought getting Purple Rain would be so fucking hard. The guy asked if I wanted to order one, but I explained my Purple Rain emergency and went next door to Circuit City. They had it, but it turns out that Purple Rain is only available in pan-&-scan. I asked the attendant if there was a wide screen version, but after looking @ the box, that dumb mother-fucker explained that "this movie was made before they made them in wide screen." I wanted to school her about the history of CinemaScope films, but realized she wasn't smart enough to follow what I was saying and that it wouldn't make the copy I had in my hand suddenly become wide screen so I let it go knowing I could release all the pent-up frustration here. To make matters worse, I just went to the Internet movie database and saw a picture of the 2-disc wide screen special edition. God-Damn't! Remember my b-day is only a month away... if you want to, you, gentle reader, could replace my single disc pan-&-scan w/ the fancy upgrade. After Flash Gordon and Purple Rain, I'm pulling for Under the Cherry Moon for our next '80s movie night experience, but it's admittedly a shit film (from what I remember, but I'd love to see it again), & I think we're watching Valley Girl instead.