Summer of Arnold Post #4: The Sci/Fi

The Terminator: We got our Dish Network hooked up the other day, I went to work, & when I got home, Stephanie told me she'd recorded this again. Even she loved it. I'm still shocked I hadn't seen these before. It's got everything I want in a Sci/Fi film except a theme song by GnR. 4 1/2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Predator: I hadn't seen this since I was in high school. I loved it when I was a kid, & it basically holds up. there are clearly some holes in the plot, but the effects are cool & the location filming is great. Things I didn't remember include how long the other characters live. I remembered them dying off quickly, but he's only really on his own for a little while. I'd also forgotten about the woman they bring back. I'd like to know her story & how they explain what happened. Finally, the shady Special Ops people are interesting. Not necessarily the characters, but the shadiness. We have a case of an Arnold movie where they paint the US military as lying, coercive bastards. That's how I've always viewed them, but it doesn't seem to jive w/ Arnold's views... unless you watch all of him films, in which case we start to see an interesting pattern. 4 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Running Man: The costumes are ridiculous, the plot is ridiculous, the gov't set-up of a good cop is believable... but supposedly in contrast to Arnold's beliefs, & Maria Conchita Alonso couldn't act her way out of Red Sonja or and Arnold comedy... bt the movie works none-the-less. We both liked it. Plus, it's the 2nd appearance of Jesse the Body. 3 1/2 jiggly pecs... + 1/2 for Richard "Cpl. Peter Newkirk" Dawson = 4 jiggly pecs

Total Recall: It's a stinker. I loved it 20 years ago, but it doesn't hold up. The blurred line between fantasy & reality is still cool, but the movie blows. The sets are cheap, the acting is weak, & the effects & not as neat as they should be. 2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Terminator 2: Judgement Day: It's got everything The terminator has plus better effects & the GnR song. 5 out of 5 jiggly pecs

The 6th Day: The marketing dudes got together & decided the only way to top fighting Satan was fighting himself... which says a lot about Satan & Arnold. It kind of sucks though & was clearly written by a committee. 2 out of 5 jiggly pecs

Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines: Arnold is looking old & haggard, but the film is better than a lot of people seem to think. I would even go so far as to suggest that this may be Claire Danes' best film (@ least out of the ones I've seen). We haven't seen the new Terminator film, but of the 3 we've seen it's the worst... still pretty good though. (Side-bar: we watched the 1st season of The Sarah Connor Chronicles recently & I'm dying to see the 2nd. I wish they'd bring it back for a 3rd.) 3 3/4 jiggly pecs

The Blogging of the Planet of the Apes

You may recall that we watched Soylent Green a few months ago because our recording of Planet of the Apes didn't play properly; well, I recorded Planet of the Apes again & we just finished watching the 5th of the 5 films. That's right, we've watched all 5 in chronological order so I guess I need to discuss them for a few minutes. To begin w/, they kinda suck. I don't think I'd ever actually seen 1 of them all the way through before, but the 1st is by far the best. Like the Star Trek films though, they don't get progressively worse, but rather have a sort of up & down thing happening. The 2nd 1, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, is shit. The humans send another astronaut into the future to find Heston & he & Heston's hot girlfriend find an underground group of mutated humans who worship an atomic bomb. In the end, the bomb explodes destroying the planet. The 3rd, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, follows 2 of the apes, Cornelius & Zira, as they leave the planet just before it explodes, going back in time to 1970s New York (or LA... it's kind of unclear). They become celebrities & even get montages of them getting fitted for fancy clothes in fancy boutiques. It is soooo bad it's got a campy goodness. The 4th 1, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, picks up w/ the story of Cornelius' & Zira's child, Caesar, as he leads the ape/slaves into rebellion about 20 years after the previous film. It's a bit darker than the other films & has some nice commentary on race & power. The final film, Battle for the Planet of the Apes is a piece of shit beyond anything that the 2nd or 3rd film could ever attempt. Caesar has a power struggle w/ another ape who wants war w/ another set of mutants who live in the ruins of the city (maybe the ancestors of the mutants in Beneath the Planet of the Apes). Over all, I'm glad I finally saw them, but I wish they were a bit better. Oh, & I did see the Tim Burton remake a few years ago too, & that is also a piece of shit. I know some of you have a love for everything Burton, but other than Batman & Ed Wood & to a lesser extent Mars Attacks & Beetle Juice, his films are way way way over-rated. As a side-note, I'm blogging from my car as I'm waiting for a parking spot on campus. Why didn't I just bike, you ask? I had too much to carry today, but I can assure you'll I'll be sure to bring stuff to my office @ other times of the day so I never have to park @ 11:30 ever again. Anyway, had I seen the films as a kid, perhaps I would have more tolerance for them, but as it stands, here are my rankings:
5) Battle for the Planet of the Apes
4) Escape from the Planet of the Apes
3) Beneath the Planet of the Apes
2) Conquest of the Planet of the Apes
1) The Planet of the Apes