Landon's Post #3: Transfer Deadline Day

I waited until today to recap the weekend so I could also discuss the transfer that took place. The squads are set in Europe now until January 7, alas, I'm still in LA because I suck & my 1st 2 attempts in Europe found me coming home a complete & utter failure. When I say I suck, I want you to understand how badly I suck... really badly. That said, I did get 2 sweet goals this past weekend, but in the MLS shouldn't really count.
Here is how the final day of transfers went:
Chelsea: lost out in their bid for Brasilian star Robinho
Liverpool: Scored a much needed winger by signing Espanyol's Albert Riera
Man City: Swooped in and grabbed Robinho right from under Abramovich's nose... pissing off Chelsea fans everywhere
Arsenal: Wenger never ended up buying the much needed defensive midfielder pissing off Arsenal fans everywhere.
Other than the clubs in the top 4 right now, Man U finally signed Berbatov from Tottenham, & then sent strikers Louis Saha & Fraizer Campbell to Everton & Tottenham respectively. Tottenham also grabbed the celebrated Russian striker, Pavlyuchenko, after missing out on his compatriot, Arshavin. As for me, Landon Donovan, I'm still taking a piss in the MLS.Now for my Premiership wrap up... 2 days late. Arsenal redeemed themselves nicely by spanking Newcastle 3-0 @ the Emirates. Liverpool & Chelsea drew in their matches w/ Villa & Tottenham & Man U had the weekend off after losing 2-1 to Zenit St. Petersburg in the UEFA Supercup on Friday afternoon @ Old Trattford. The Landon Donovan Douchey Player of the Game Award goes to Paul Scholes who hilariously palmed the ball into the back of the net from about 15 feet out like Maradona or some volleyball player. I was impressed by John O'Shea's attempt to cover it up by celebrating the goal & hugging him. Scholes will miss their 1st 2 Champions League matches, but I'll miss them all because I suck & am stuck on that sinking ship that is the LA Galaxy. Watch the hand ball here:

Landon's Update #2

Hey folks, it's Landon here again, & after the second week of Premiership action, 2 things are clear... Arsenal need a new defensive Midfielder & I still have my head up my ass. The table now sees Chelsea & Liver pool on top w/ 6 points & me no where to bee seen because I suck worse than Eboue, Crouch, & Heskey combined & would never be able to play in that league. That said, based on Arsenal's piss-poor showing against Fulham, I don't know if I'd want to.

Guest Poster: Landon Donovan

Last year I often posted soccer updates on Jason's message board, but Andre asked if I'd do some Premier League commentary here this season. If all goes well, I'll be updating everyone concerning 2 things: 1) soccer info 2) how far up my ass I've gotten my head. While posting this I'm at my usual neck-deep position. While I've gained fame as an international star, I've also become famous for sucking. For some inexplicable reason, I've garnered fans around the globe, but in all my years of playing, I've yet to really step up during a major competition. My many haters have been proven right over the years: I suck donkey balls. That said, here's the schedule for the matches this weekend, the opening weekend of the Premiership. Of course, you won't be seeing me in any of these games because each time I've tried to ply my skills in Europe, I've been sent home w/ my tail between my legs like a whiny little boy.
Saturday
Arsenal v West Brom
Bolton v Stoke city
Everton v Blackburn
Hull v Fulham
Middlesbrough v Tottenham
West Ham v Wigan
Sunderland v Liverpool

Sunday
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Aston Villa v Manchester City
Manchester United v Newcastle
PS I suck