Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Sex Toys, Baudrillard, and Flash Gordon

A friend of mine (who wanted to remain nameless on here) was in the market for a vibrator. That alone isn't enough to warrant a post here, but once I saw the Pussyman's Luscious Lips... well, I guess I better back track a bit. She'd been looking on-line but having trouble w/ the credit card thing on the site from which she was ordering. I then suggested Lover's Lane or Deja Vu, and she asked if I'd ever been to one of those places and if I'd go w/ her. Being me, of course I'd been to both places on many occasions for many reasons so we had a little outing last night before we went to Georgina's to watch Flash Gordon. Deja Vu had better prices, but the quality of their merchandise left something to be desired so we headed to Lover's Lane which has a smaller toy section and higher prices, but much better quality. I had mentioned to my friend that I was going there and her friend wanted me to price "Pocket Pussies" for her brother in Iraq. Apparently his wife is too up-tight to purchase such a product so he asked his sister to send him one instead. He's going to be in Iraq for 12 months... does his wife really expect that he won't jack off the whole time? Relying on the sanctity of marriage and assuming he won't find other women while over there is (while a bit hopeful) understandable, but believing a guy will go 12 months w/o cumming is just pure gullibility. I looked at all of the "Pocket Pussies" at Deja Vu and Lover's Lane and discovered this one: Pussyman's Luscious Lips Masturbator. While I understand how the mechanism works, we were both a little baffled (as was the sales-person) about the tag-line on the top of the box: "Better Than a Real Pussy." It seems like quite a bold statement. I imagine it's something that Victor Frankenstein would be interested in... based on his attempts to create life w/o women... he could now have the full sexual experience w/o them too. I don't buy it though. "Better than pussy?" No way.

This "better than pussy" claim raises an interesting issue though. When the simulation becomes equal to or greater than the object being simulated, does the simulation become the thing to be copied? As reality and meaning have been replaced w/ symbols and signs in the post-modern world, as Baudrillard said, "The simulacrum is never that which conceals the truth--it is the truth which conceals that there is none. The simulacrum is true." The "Pocket Pussy" has become the "Pussy" itself, and the "pussy itself" no longer exists. Furthermore, the very possibility of "Pussyman's Luscious Lips Masturbator" suggests that the "pussy" has always-already never existed; the simulacrum has always been equal to the original and therefore there is no original... no pussy. This is convenient because as a single divorced man I can definitely relate to the problem of "no pussy;" I highly doubt I'll be purchasing "Pussyman's Lucious Lips Masturbator" though.

After our little journey to the sex toy shops, as I stated at the beginning, we made our way to Georgina's where we drank a few beers and watched Flash Gordon. I hadn't seen it since Thanksgiving, but Geo and Andy hadn't seen it since they were kids. Geo had the soundtrack though, so she was well aware of the best lines. For those of you who are unaware of this, the soundtrack was recorded by Queen, and I would have to say it's their best work. My friend (who still needs to remain nameless, I suppose) had never seen it and really didn't know what she was getting herself into. None of them seemed to view the film w/ the proper reverence though. It's dealing w/ such complex ideas while simultaneously spoofing the history of sci/fi and film in general. When Voltan asks, "Who wants to live forever?" he isn't just saying he's willing to die in battle, he's coming to terms w/ Zarkov's initial statement, a statement echoed later by Flash himself. When Zarkov is willing to lay down his life to save man-kind (not unlike Christ), he says it's a rational decision, "one life for billions." I had never noticed this recurring theme before, and I've loved this film since it was in theaters in 1980 (when Lord when, will they make that rumored 2-disc special edition?), but it's quite important. Furthermore, Max von Sydow really brings his "A Game" to this film. While everyone else is hamming it up and exaggerating their roles, he is on fire. And it turns out that yesterday was his birthday. While he has seen his 4 years of greatness flicker (from 1980-1984 he made Flash Gordon, Victory, Conan the Barbarian, Never Say Never Again, The Adventures of Bob and Doug McKenzie, Dune, and The Ice Pirates), his recent work has been great and I suppose he'll always be remembered for his good films too like The Seventh Seal, Wild Strawberries, The Greatest Story Ever Told, The Exorcist, Hannah and her Sisters and Pelle the Conqueror. What a career that mother fucker has had... and he's still churning them out. OK, sorry about that little von Sydow tangent; the other thing I noticed is that it's pretty bad-ass for Flash to wear a t-shirt that has his own name on it. I've always thought it would be cool to get a Flash shirt like his, but now I realize it'd be even better to get a shirt w/ my name on it written in the Flash Gordon font. I'm now a man on a mission. And if you've actually read this whole post, you must be on some sort of fucked up mission too.


jason said...

Is the Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie different from Strange Brew?
You could download the Flash Gordon font, then make an iron on to put on a T-Shirt. That would be pretty sweet.

Andre said...

Yeah, Strange Brew is the same thing.

Good idea about the font. If I can figure it out, I'll make one for you too.