Monday, May 31, 2010

From the Halls of Montezuma

Andre's Top Twenty WWII Films: You'll notice there's no reference to John Wayne or Ronald Reagan. And really, it's mainly because I've never actually seen any of their WWII films. That said, there are a couple on this list that I've never seen, but I feel should probably be included none-the-less.

20) Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo (1944): A much better depiction of the bombing of Tokyo than Pearl Harbor could ever dream to be. Best porno spoof title: Thirty Seconds Inside Tokyo (in this scenario, Tokyo is an Asian woman... not a city).
19) The Dirty Dozen (1967): One of the 1st films I thought of, but really a bit over-rated. It's the 1st appearance of Borgnine, Sunderland, & Bronson on this list. Best porno spoof title: The Dirty Bakers Dozen (a fun little gang-bang film).
18) Schindler's List (1993): I haven't seen this since it was in the theaters. I saw it @ the Penn in Plymouth after we got home from the Hash Bash. Best porno spoof title: Schindler's Lisp (yeah... it's got an all male cast).
17) Saving Private Ryan (1998): I've actually never seen this. I suppose I should. Best porno spoof title: Fisting Private Ryan (some people prefer Saving Ryan's Privates, but a fisting reference is always better than no fisting reference).
16) Stalag 17 (1953): A great film that was then spoofed by Hogan's heroes. Best porno Spoof title: Stalag 69 (I know... too obvious).
15) Tora, Tora, Tora (1970): A great multi-ethnic, mutli-language film. BSPT: Whora, Whora, Whora (yeah, I guess that'll work).
14) Bridge on the River Kwai (1957): neither my fav david Lean, nor my fav Alec Guinness, but it's the only WWII movie they made that I can think of, & it's good... it's just no Lawrence of Arabia. BPST: Bridge over the River Quim (This was a tough one... if you've got better titles, feel free to post 'em).
13) Objective, Burma! (1945): The only Errol Flynn to make the list. It's a fun B movie. I watch it every time it's on. BPST: Errol Flynn's Erotic Jungle Adventure (my first thought was Objective, Booty, but went w/ the more classy, conceptual option).
12) Inglorius Bastards (2009): Time will tell w/ this one... it may climb the list & enter the top 10 some day. BPST: Inglorious Ass-Tards (it's about chicks who are stoopid for anal... I apologize for the offensive title, but if that's really the thing about this post that offends you, you need to re-prioritize your offense-o-meter).
11)Inglorius Bastards (1978): Anothere movie w/ the same title... it's much more fun, plus there's Fred Williamson! BPST: Glory-Hole Bastards (coming up w/ a 2nd one wasn't easy).
10) The Longest Day (1962): Epic about Normandy. It's pretty sweet! BPST: The Longest Gay (??? does that even make sense?)
9) Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade (1989): It's no raiders, but it's pretty fantastic. BPST: Indy does ─░skenderun (it's on the Pilgrim trail from the Eastern Empire).
8) Merrill's Marauders (1962): Basically the same movie as Objective, Burma but w/ a more unknown cast & w/ more ridiculousness. BPST: Marion's Marauders (another gang-bang flick, but this one w/ some Happy Days references).
7) From Here to Eternity (1953): This is the 2nd film on the list to feature Ernest Borgnine. We watched it again last night... it's got some interesting sexual tension... especially between Montgomery Cliff & Burt Lancaster. BPST: From Here to Eternity: The Director's Cut (it's got all the hot Cliff on Lancaster stuff that was originally left on the cutting room floor).
6) The Great Escape (1963): Rarely does my love for POW movies dove-tail into my love for James Garner... sweet! Plus, it's the 2nd appearance of Charles Bronson. BPST: The Great Ass-scape (I phoned that one in).
5) To Be or Not to Be (1942): Before Hogan's Heroes, Jack Benny was making the Nazis look freaking hilarious. The Mel Brooks remake is good, but see the original. BPST: To Pee or Not to Pee (a little golden shower fun).
4) Kelly's Heroes (1970): The other movie w/ Sunderland... as a stoned hippie tank commander who helps Eastwood & company get behind Nazi lines & rob a bank. It's like Three Kings w/ a lot of pot. BPST: Kelly's Herpes (he gets behind Nazi lines, goes to a brothel, & the rest is history).
3) Victory (1981): I've said so much about this one over the years, that it really needs no more discussion. BPST: Deep Inside Micheal Caine (It's better than it sounds).
2) Raiders of the Lost Arc (1981): Pure Awesome. What more is there to say? BPST: Nazi Monkeys (a little fetish fun... unlike the original, no monkeys die in this one... they probably wish they did though).
1) Casablanca (1942): Clearly my favorite. It's in my top 5 movies of all time so it's obviously numero uno here. I saw it for the 1st time @ the Michigan Theater about 12 years ago. It kind of pisses me off that I'd gone 233 years w/o seeing. I've made up for lost time by watching it a few times a year since then. They're playing it for free over Labor Day weekend this year, & you can bet your ass I'll be seeing it again. BPST: Ass-a-Blanca (an little inter-racial number where white chicks get pounded by people of color.


jason said...

It's SHAVING Ryan's Privates, not SAVING! And I've never heard of Schindler's Lisp, but everyone knows and loves Schindler's Fist.

Andre said...

There was an SNL sketch about saving them. They were in a box and everyone tries to get them back to the hospital so Ryan can get them re-attatched.